Wednesday, December 3, 2008

The Teachers Who Lunch

I have spent the week getting even with my cousin who questions my lunch fare every day. After the last brouhaha six weeks ago, it is once again her duty week. That means she comes to our table every day. So I planned a whole week of pranks. Unfortunately, I did not plan them in a timely manner. While I had planned on such cutting-edge fare as head cheese and tongue, I forgot that this was her duty week.

Monday, I loaded up a bag from The Devil's Playground with one of every snack that was in my room. For once, this having kids business has paid off. They DO love a snack after school. Some of them were left from the end of last year. I had mini bags of Doritos, Baked Lays, Baked Cheetos, Pretzels, Sour Cream & Onion Cheese Crackers, Toasted Cheese Crackers, an open can of Pringles, a can of Cocktail Peanuts, a hard Granola Bar, a Rice Krispie Treat, an individual pack of Oreos, one of White Oreos, and a bottle of water. I dumped it all out on the table. She took the bait. "Are you going to eat all of that?" I rustled through it and chose the Pretzels. "No. I think I'll just have these."

Tuesday, I brought a lunch from home. I took a long container and put a dab of peanut butter in the middle. I hollowed it out like mashed potatoes for gravy, and put in a spoonful of grape jelly. Around it I poured a sea of salsa. I dropped a green olive in each corner, and two extras down the sides. Then I took mini hot peppers and put them in between the olives. Voila! The perfect lunch to not eat. I showed my crime partner the concoction in the teacher workroom. I caught Mr. G in line as I was getting a spoon to not eat my lunch with. I sat down by Mr. S and whispered, "Wait until you see this one." Cuz sat down. She did not look at my lunch. The principal sat down and told a story. I took the lid off my lunch. Still no response. I stuck a spoon in the middle of it. Cuz leaned over. Closer. Her nose was almost on it. "What IS that? I told her the ingredients. She looked me in the eye. "Is this a prank?" I said, "Yes." She said, "Are you going to EAT that?" Duh. I told her, "No. I just remembered I have a fasting blood test today, and I can't possibly eat it. You can have it." I pushed it toward her. "No. I can smell it from here." Mr S said, "I've been smelling it for a while. It's the peppers making my eyes water." The principal said, "Didn't you notice her lunch yesterday?" Cuz said, "Well...there was an awful lot of it." Principal said, "It's because you always comment on her food." Duh.

Wednesday (today), I wasn't sure what I was doing for lunch. My students gave me a great idea 7th hour yesterday. I told them I was thinking about putting some dry dog and cat food in a baggie like a snack mix. One of them said, "Here's what you do. Take the dog and cat food. Add some chex to it. Sprinkle it with powdered sugar. She used to make that stuff and give it to us when we had her in elementary. Let her take a handful and eat a big bite." I told him I would stop her before she ate any. I don't actually want to be fired.

This morning, I put dry dogfood, Cocoa Puffs, and Cap'n Crunch with Crunchberries in a baggie with some plain sugar and shook it up. It was beautiful. At lunch, I set it on the table by my water bottle, and got in line to get some lunch. Mr. G hollered from the hallway, "I want to see you take a bite of that." I hollered back, "No. You get the first taste." Crime Partner was informed after I set my tray on the table and lost the race for the bathroom. While she was in there, I told her not to eat any of my snack mix, because there was dogfood in it. She laughed maniacally.

After eating her Smart One, Cuz said, "Is that something I'm supposed to ask about?" I told her, "You decide." About 5 minutes later, she reached over and picked up the baggie. "It looks good." I snatched it back. "DO NOT eat any of that!" She looked sad. "Why?" I told her the secret ingredient. She said, "Nuh uh." And she took it back and started turning it over in her hands. "Well, there's a fish. It must be cat food." Mind you, I had already told her it was dogfood. But no. She just won't listen to me. And there was no fish that I ever saw. I pointed out the parts that were dogfood. She put it down.

A minute later, she said, "Let me just have a Cocoa Puff." I told her absolutely not. The principal was sitting there, after all. I need my job. Mr. G looked like he was going to vomit. He IS a picky eater. He looked at her, bug-eyed. "The Cocoa Puff was right next to the dogfood! What's the matter with you?" Cuz said, "I don't care. I licked dogfood once, to see what it tasted like." The librarian chose that time to sit down next to Crime Partner. Cuz waved the baggie of contraband at her. Her face lit up. Mabel knows how this woman loves a tasty treat. Make that a FREE tasty treat. I shouted across the table, "You can't have any!" I'm sure she thought I was just being mean.

Then the principal had the most scathingly brilliant idea. "You should make up your own baggie, just out of cereal, and when those kids come in tomorrow, start eating it. They will think you're eating the dogfood." Cuz was afraid she didn't have time to shop. Principal went into the kitchen and got her a mini plastic bowl thingie of the cereal we serve the kids. He got one of Cocoa Puffs and one of Cap'n Crunch with Crunchberries. I primed my kids 7th hour by showing them the baggie, and telling them that I couldn't watch her eat it, but I told her I would put it in her mailbox after school. The majority of the class shouted, "She's going to eat it!" Only one or two said, "You can't let her eat dogfood!" Teachers, be careful what you eat that comes from student hands.

You will have to hear about it on Friday, because I have a game to go to tomorrow night. I will post some short something tomorrow. But I will get back to this story.

The stage is set.

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