Sunday, August 3, 2008

HM Knows How To Work It

I hope you're not disappointed if the post doesn't match the title. Not that I can presume to know what 'IT' you think I'm working.

IT's about my new LSUV, people. About wringing maximum miles per gallon out of every drop of precious gas. The geography that necessitates my gas hog also works against my mileage. I live in the Land of 1000 Hills. Upon leaving my lovely Mansion, I must first go downhill for about a mile of gravel. Forget coasting here...there are sharp curves and blind curves and single-car-width curves.

Once I navigate the goat trail of an opening left by the bridge constructors, it's onto the blacktop county road for a roller coaster ride out to the state road. From there, I descend into the valley and back up to the summit. No matter which way I take to town, it's up and down, a virtual vocal scale warm-up exercise of abysses and peaks. Not that I'm complaining. I am not at all envious of my flat-land friend, Bean, and her new husband. Kansas living ain't the life for me.

My old LSUV puttered along at about 15 miles per gallon in mixed city and highway driving, when it was in good condition. I would not have traded it if it was still in good condition, people! My new Tahoe will get 22 on the highway. Of course, I don't drive on a highway, but on a roller coaster. So it doesn't surprise me that I get...15 miles per gallon. I could probably do better if we fiddled with T-Hoe's brain, according to the brain of HH. But I'm not inclined to do that. It would be like jailbreaking an iPhone.

My only gripe is that unlike my old LSUV, which would roll downhill faster than a runaway boulder after Wile E. Coyote, T-Hoe restrains himself. This is fine when going uphill, and he switches into some mode that maintains a steady pace instead of VROOMING into overdrive like OLSUV. But when I go downhill, I like to coast until I reach terminal velocity. Hey! That's why they put brakes on these horseless carriages.

SO...with T-Hoe coast-blocking me on the downhills, I have to resort to other means to maintain my max MPGs. Here are the reasons to avoid driving behind Mrs. Hillbilly Mom when she goes to town. Or, as I call them,

HM's Gas-Saving Tips

*Drive-thrus are the Devil. Have children so you can send them in to purchase fast food while you remain in the car enjoying XM Radio.

*If you run a stop sign and no policeman is there to witness it, no crime has been committed.

*Coasting two miles on the county road between towns is perfectly fine. If the tailgater behind you wants to go faster than 35 mph, he should have taken the highway.

*Turn your car off at the stoplight. You know it is a 2-minute cycle.

*Cutting through the Smoke Shop parking lot will allow you to miss a stoplight.

*A little sweat never hurt anybody. While waiting to pick up your child, turn off the car.

*Volunteer to drive only the thin people to lunch on your teacher work-days.

Remember, you heard them here first. Oh, and as BObama says, "Make sure your tires are fully inflated."

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