Wednesday, October 14, 2009

Two All-Beef Patties

Hey! Larry King wants to take away your hamburger! He had people on his show bemoaning how hamburger can paralyze and kill people with E. coli. Give me a break! And a big juicy hamburger.

Sweet Gummi Mary! Peanuts kill people all the time. Let's outlaw peanuts, those murdering, munchable legumes! I'm not feeling the fact-check vibe tonight, but I'll wager my lottery ticket money that more people are severely allergic to peanuts than die from E. coli in hamburger. There's no NO HAMBURGER table in my son's school cafeteria.

What are we supposed to do, ban anything that might make a person sick? No wonder half of all babies born today are expected to reach the age of 100. The other half will be killed by people who are mad at them for trying to over-legislate the few remaining guilty pleasures. Should we all just give up and live in plastic bubbles, the greatest fear in our lives being a visit from George Costanza and a heated game Trivial Pursuit? Oh, noooo, I'm so sorry. It's the MOOPS. The correct answer is, The MOOPS.

Why are we such a bloodless, limp-wristed, dabbing at our brow with a scented handkerchief, fainting-goat type of society? Quick, get the smelling salts! I feel one of my spells coming on. Are we not made of hardier stock? Can we not eat ground meat without kicking the bucket? Have you ever watched The Amazing Race? Anthony Bourdain? Bizarre Foods With Andrew Zimmern? In India, people drink milk right out of the cow. OK, not right out of the teat, at least not on TV. But a dude milked the cow, toted that warm milk in a metal container on a motorbike all over town, selling dippers full of milk to his regular customers. No pasteurization, no disinfecting the teats, nada. Oh, and they have markets there where food sits outside in the sun with flies crawling all over it until somebody buys it and eats it and DOESN'T FREAKING DIE! Last time I checked, there were still plenty of Indians (dot not feather) keepin' on truckin'. There's no population decline in India.

Toughen up, Buttercup. What doesn't kill you makes you stronger. At least that's what I heard that one of Angelina Jolie's tattoos says.

Here's more.


Chickadee said...

Sometimes I can't help but think Larry King is the TV equivalent of the National Enquirer.

Hillbilly Mom said...

But which one is older?

Kathy's Klothesline said...

I have never liked alarmists..... maybe dipped in caramel with nuts on it......