Petri Dish 100

I am not a true germaphobe, but I play one in my classroom. I don't want the kids touching my stuff. Who knows where their hands have been? Just last week, I watched an 11th grader stick his finger up another kid's nose. And leave it there for over a minute. For fun. Not for some kinky challenge on a reality program. For fun. Then he proceeded to touch the desk and chair and the pencil of a buddy who sits behind him. That is just OH SO NASTY.

A kid who sits right in front of my desk has been hacking up half his right lung for the past three days. Does he sit like a normal person, feet under his desk, facing the front of the room, breathing at a 90-degree angle to the inhalation zone of Mrs. Hillbilly Mom? You know from the question that the answer is SWEET GUMMI MARY, NO! He turns to sit sideways in his chair, feet pointed at my desk, and splutters his phlegmy goodness in my direction. It's enough to make me get up in the middle of writing the 8 out of 18 absences in my Old Red Gradebook and hike around the room.

Then there's the Gum Crier. I have one in every class.

"Hey! There's gum under the desk!"
"Why do you act like I should care?"
"Well, there's gum under the desk!"
"It was there yesterday, and it will be there tomorrow."
"Yeah. It looks pretty old."
"I did not put it there."
"I know that."
"You people put it there. What do you expect me to do about it? I say "No Gum", but people come in with it and stick it there so they don't get caught. Some of that gum is over 10 years old. You don't think I'M going to pick it off for you, do you? If it bothers you so much, you are welcome to clean it off, and all the other desks, too."
"No. That's all right."
"Then you need to stop harping on it, like you just discovered Bigfoot."

"Hey, do you know Lily BleachHair?"
"Yes. I am familiar with Lily."
"Every morning in band, Lily gets tired of her gum, and she sticks it up under the shelf where the tubas go. You should see it. It's all full of writing and...well...gum."
"Does the band teacher know about this?"
"No."
"Well, he does now."
"Just make sure Lily doesn't find out I'm the one that told."
"You have my word on that. But there are a lot of other witnesses here."
"Hey, guys. Don't let Lily know that I'm the one saying it."
"Why are you so candid about Lily's gum-stashing? Are you out to get her?"
"No. She's just so...I don't know."

Yeah. I don't know, either. But kids are just freakin' nasty these days. They even complained that day we did the erosion lab, because MY ROOM SMELLED LIKE SOAP. How dare I!

Do you know where I can buy some BO smell in a spray can? I'd like to give these little germ factories a snort of their own medicine.