Sunday, October 11, 2009

Ted Williams's Head

In my continuing series on death, today we visit Ted Williams. Not the living and breathing Ted Williams, the baseball player, because that would have nothing to do with my death theme. But lucky for us, Ted died in 2002. We are going to visit Ted Williams's head. Ted has something in common with Walt Disney, you see. And that something is cryogenics.

I'm no expert on cryogenics or Ted Williams. I don't know if Ted wanted to be frozen, or if his son came up with the idea. But the facts are that Ted Williams's head is a popsicle, and The Globe had a story on it that caught my attention. That's where I get a lot of information, The Globe. Maybe that explains why I'm like this.

Don't think I believe everything I read in The Globe. It's not The National Enquirer, you know. The Enquirer broke the John Edwards love child story. Then again, The Globe is not The Weekly World News, either. The WWN has stories like the woman who didn't eat for 50 years. It's not even in color! Back in my earlier days, when I lived elsewhere and had not yet met HH, my teacher buddies, Karen and Jim, and I would drive to Sullivan, MO, every payday to do our shopping at Walmart and Shop N Save. We took turns buying the WWN, and read it aloud on the way home, after a hearty meal at Golden Corral. Our favorite story of all time was Top Model Eats Herself To Death. Tell me you don't find that funny. We hooted over that one for years. A distant second was the story of the old man who somehow drove his car onto an airport runway, and drove himself and his wife off the end of it, into the ocean.

Anyhoo, I only bought The Globe this week because the lead story was the feud between Michelle Obama and The Oprah over Chicago's loss of the Olympics. But near the back cover was the Ted Williams head story. Some dude has written a book about it. I think his name is Larry Johnson, but the title of the book escapes me. He claims that workers at the cryo lab severed Ted's head, and set it on a Bumblebee Tuna can to take a picture of it. Then they drilled holes in Ted's head for microphones to pick up the cracking of Ted's brain as it froze. But that's not all! Since Ted stuck to the Bumblebee Tuna can, one of the workers whacked Ted's head repeatedly with a giant monkey wrench to knock it loose. Well, don't we all know that THAT didn't end well. Pieces of Ted's head sprayed around as his noggin was knocked with the monkey wrench.

But what really gets my goat is the title of that article. Ted's Frozen Head Hit Like A Baseball. I was expecting a rousing game of monkey-wrench headball, not just a couple of whacks to dislodge a Bumblebee Tuna can. If The Globe insists on misleading me, I will refuse to buy the magazine, and only read it in line at The Devil's Playground. Sweet Gummi Mary! If you can't trust The Globe, who can you trust?

No word from the Bumblebee Tuna people on whether they appreciate the free publicity.


DeadpanAnn said...

How are they gonna bring him back to life one day if his cryogenically frozen noggin' is severed and stuck to a tuna can?

Hillbilly Mom said...

Miss Ann,
That's not my problem.