Tuesday, May 19, 2009

Crispy Citizens

What's the latest news from Missouri? We're about to execute an inmate for the first time since 2005. I don't know what the hold-up was, but we have a plethora of dudes lined up.

At a meeting after school today, we almost had an argument. Auntie said that the lady who covers the school issues for the local paper was married to the man being executed. Cuz did not believe her. They tossed the topic back and forth for a few rounds, until it was determined that Auntie was talking about the prisoner who picked up a hitchhiker and walked him a half-mile from the car and then shot him, which seems like cruel and unusual murder if you ask me, because HELLO the dude was hitchhiking because he was tired of walking... but Cuz was talking about the prisoner who made two girls jump off the Chain of Rocks bridge. Glad they got that sorted out. You know how I hate discord of any kind.

I was not sure if the execution was tonight or tomorrow. It's confusing because it happens at 12:01 a.m. Is that tonight, or tomorrow? See? It's confusing. Then I told Auntie that I would know it happened if my lights flickered. She said, "Do your lights flicker when they execute somebody?" Which any fool who follows the Missouri Correctional System would know is not plausible, because we do not fry our inmates in an electric chair, but rather send them into a humane, never-ending slumber with a sweet, sweet lethal injection after first swabbing the skin on that arm with an alcohol wipe so the soon-to-be-deceased murderer will not get an infection. Then Auntie informed everyone at the meeting, including civilians, that I did not live far from the prison, and asked me if I was ever worried that someone would escape and hold me hostage. Nope. I told her they would head for the highway to hitch a ride, not out to my Mansion, which is about three miles as the inmate walks.

Which only goes to show that Missouri does not make crispy citizens, but rather well-rested corpses in our quest for justice.

1 comment:

Stewed Hamm said...

12:01am is one minute after midnight. So if he was executed at 12:01am today, he's already taking a dirt nap. If he's executed at 12:01 am tomorrow, then he doesn't have long to worry about updating his Netflix queue.