Tuesday, December 8, 2009

If It's Not One Thing It's My Goiter

My gynecologist called me at 8:45 last night. You'd think he had more of a life. You'd think I would have a phone that could work inside a house. Since AT&T was screening my calls for me, all I got was a chime. I took the phone upstairs to hear the voice mail. Seems that I have a thyroid nodule that requires a fine needle biopsy.

You can find that on YouTube, you know. I'm not linking any freaky medical procedures. My buddy Mabel would flip out. The only thing worse than a needle piercing her own neck is a needle piercing my neck. I'm sure of it. Mabel is quite loyal. While she wouldn't volunteer to take my place, I know she would volunteer to take me to the place of the fine needle biopsy. Because that's how she rolls, my Mabel. Since I don't want Mabel to faint and crack open her skull like my boy on a basketball court, I am pleased to inform Mabel that Medical Courier H says he will miss work to take me to my puncture appointment. I know it's a sacrifice for Perfect Attendance H to miss work, but will step up for me.

First, I have to make an appointment. My gyno recommends a local ENT dude who is supposedly a whiz kid. He opened his practice in 2008, and was in the 99th percentile of all ENTs who took some high fallutin' doctory test. That includes docs from Harvard School of Medicine and Johns Hopkins. I guess book learnin' ain't nothin' to sneeze at. Though I am sure there is some sort of kick-back deal for gynos referring to ENTs. Just because that's how my conspiracy-theory mind works. But I guess this young doc dude has had time to do a few of these fine needle biopsies over that past 18 months of practice. So I'm thinking I will give him call.

And what's a gynecologist doing diagnosing goiters, anyway? He must be the Wrong Way Corrigan of the gynecological world. Because he's the one who found my goiter several years ago. I hope this whiz kid ENT doesn't mistakenly remove an ingrown toenail.

Now I have to check my Christmas vacation calendar to fit this in among the boys' dentist appointments and my lab and regular doctor's appointment (you'd think that lazy bum underachiever could get off his duff and find a goiter before it bit him on the butt) and #1's follow-up orthodontist appointment and basketball practices.

The holiday season is such a busy time.


Kathy's Klothesline said...

I was wondering about your gyno and what kind of exam that must ahve been! Was he lost? Reminds me of a story from the deep, deep south......I feel a blog coming on!

Hillbilly Mom said...

That doc always grabs my neck and squeezes it. He either loves a good goiter, or he's a secret serial killer letting off steam.

Integrator said...

Too much force during palpation can result in bleeding inside the thyroid capsule, especially in case with multinodular goiter.

Hillbilly Mom said...

I don't know if he squeezed it TOO hard. But I felt like I was choking while he was doing it.