Sunday, April 26, 2009

True Confession

I went on a murderous rampage while HH and the boys were gone to the state bowling tournament. The body count stands at 19. That's 11 victims on Saturday, and 8 today. You don't have to worry. I don't advertise on Craig's List. You don't have to worry unless you are in the state of Missouri, flitting around my Mansion, and you are a stinging demon.

Wasps are bad this year. They haven't even built nests yet. They lazily buzz around the brown metal soffit of my front porch. Actually, it's the whole porch. It's a wrap-around. My murder weapon is a can of Black Flag that will shoot 20 feet. I must admit that I'm a bit wasteful. With no nests to take out, I just aim at each individual. They are not expecting my surprise attacks. Just one tiny mist droplet of this chemical assassin is all that's necessary. Dead bug flying. They don't go far. They sputter. They drop. They writhe. They die.

Make that victim count 21. I forgot the two indoor intruders. One reared his ugly head on the cutting block in the kitchen Thursday morning, just as we were leaving. Both boys gasped when I pointed him out. These are the same boys who shriek "Moth! Moth! Kill it!" Apparently, they don't know a menace from a harmless, powdery, winged intruder. I grabbed a paper towel from the roll six inches away, folded it, and nabbed him. I felt his insecty exoskeleton crunch between my finger and thumb. For good measure, I soaked his carcass at the sink before squeezing the bejeezus out of him and shoving him down in the wastebasket. The second one was at the front door, trying to get out. But no. No escape for he who dares infiltrate my Mansion. I grabbed him with a paper towel as well (I recommend Bounty Select-A-Size), crushed him, and dumped him out of his paper-towel shroud into the toilet. Voila! His broken body rode the rapids all the way to the septic tank. I dare him to return!

I must restock my ammunition before I confront the two giant bumbling bees I saw on the garage side. They were like something out of Honey, I Shrunk the Kids.

I will kill again.


Chickadee said...

LOL! Yeah, I hate wasps. They scare the crap out of's almost a phobia.

The only bugs I kill without hesitation are ticks, mosquitoes and wasps. All the others I will go out of my way to place them outside or out of harm's way.

You go girl! And doesn't it seem early for the wasps? Or maybe not.

Cazzie!!! said...

The wasps have been the worst here this past Summer since the 1980's drought. A very cold snowy winter is needed to kill them off in their ground nests here. I hate snow, but I welcome it this year because of the wasps.

Hillbilly Mom said...

I DO think it seems a bit early to be seeing so many wasps. Seems like it is usually after school is out, when I'm patrolling the porch and looking into Poolio.

We had snow, but it melted pretty fast. There was only one really cold snap that I remember. Not like the year of the ice storm.

I don't know where my paper wasps go during the winter, but I'm betting those yellow-jackets that sting HH every year when he's mowing the yard were snug in their underground nest.