Thursday, April 16, 2009

An Open Letter To The Inmates

Congratulations on your recent takeover of the asylum!

Here are a few things to note:

The Free Store is now closed. There will be no more

a) tissues-you can wipe your schnoz on your sleeve

b) pencils-you can take a zero, borrow from a fellow inmate, take the work home to turn in the next day...nobody cares if you fail, because YOU, apparently, don't care

c) calculators-count on your fingers, use pencil and paper if you have it, cypher in your head...the days of stealing, breaking, and carving swastikas into the FREE RENTAL calculators are over

d) trips to the bathroom/drinking fountain-unless you choose to accumulate a tardy for each trip out of the room, kiss your comfort forays goodbye

e) grade checks-the school gives you a code to check this online...tough luck if you don't have a computer and internet service. Give up your fancy schmancy cell phone with unlimited texting, and save up for a computer. Or find out at progress report time, the old-fashioned way.

The Golden Rule is now in effect. If you don't know what that is, look it up on the computer you don't have at home. Or check it in the computer lab instead of listening to music. OR ask an adult who has been raised with a modicum of manners.

*If you make fun of somebody for blowing his nose...don't expect to 'step into the hall' to blow your own nose when you're snotty.

*If you write on the desk...the staff will write on a personal item of yours.

*If you throw a's coming right back at ya.

*If you criticize somebody's clothes...get ready to hear 'what not to wear'.

*If you complain about the will be criticized for complaining.

Custodial services are no longer available. If you stuff paper in a desk, or kick the shoe-mud onto the floor, it will remain there until you clean it up. Likewise with dropped candy, spilled contraband grape soda, and gum stuck in various orifices.Good luck with the rat population explosion.

All credit is hereby terminated. Pay as you go. No lunch money...NO LUNCH. Not even a mercy cheese sandwich. Not even a rubber biscuit. Nada. Zilch. You will work for food.

There will no longer be a staff presence to keep order. Might makes right. Survival of the fittest. If you are a pipsqueak, put a cork in it. Thieves should prepare to lose an extremity. No free prostheses, either.

In the asylum, no one can hear you scream.


Chickadee said...

LMAO...ready for school to end?

I so hope you throw crap back at the guilty party. That would be unexpected and frickin' hilarious.

And omg, "In the asylum, no one can hear you scream."

If it's not your email signature, it should be.

Hillbilly Mom said...

Thanks for the idea.

I love that quote. I stole if from the Alien movies. "In space, no one can hear you scream."

Now I want to watch my Alien boxed set. I also enjoyed the part in Alien 4 when people kept telling Ripley they thought she was dead, and she said, "I get that a lot."