Friday, January 30, 2009

OctoMom, A Cautionary Tale

I am thankful today. Thankful that I did not just deliver 8 babies who don't have a dad, babies I will eventually be taking home to my parents' house because I had to declare bankruptcy a couple years ago, home to meet their six siblings under the age of seven, siblings who will be missing their grandpa, an Iraqi, who is going back to Iraq to earn money for the family, money which is probably the last thing on his mind, his mind which tells him life will be more peaceful in Iraq than in a three-bedroom house with 14 kids under the age of seven.

Putting myself in the shoes of the OctoMom, I am even more thankful. Thankful that I won't have to pay any medical bills for the seven or more weeks of intensive care my eight babies will need, because I don't have any money, so I can't pay. Thankful that I had that eighth baby hidden deep within my womb, because only seven babies would not have been such a good news story, and I would not be able to sell my story to the Globe and various other magazines around the world. Thankful that baby products companies will donate stuff to me to get their names in the news, which is really giving them a better deal with worldwide publicity than any monetary value of the goods they provide for me and my miracles.

Yes, I, OctoMom, am OH SO THANKFUL for my miracles. Who woulda thunk that if you implant eight embryos, all eight will develop? I am thankful that I could have this in vitro procedure, what with just having filed bankruptcy, because heaven knows the best thing that could happen when you're broke and raising six kids under the age of seven is to bring eight more hungry mouths into this flailing economy.

As OctoMom, I am thankful that my eight little miracles were only nine weeks premature, and even though I can't hold them yet because they are still growing intestines, I know they will turn out healthy, only just maybe a little bit developmentally delayed, nothing severe, just so that I can get some disability money for them, maybe to help buy eight car seats and eight cribs and eight high chairs and a car big enough to haul them around in and a nanny to help take care of my family of 14 kids.

I am thankful because now that I am OctoMom, nobody will expect me to work. HELLO! I have 14 kids! Take that, Kate Gosselin, and that henpecked Jon, too! Yoo hoo...oh, Duggar family...I'm comin' after y'all next. Don't think you can hide down there in Arkansas, procreatin' and such. One more pregnancy, and I can leave your 18-and-counting in the dust.

Thank the Gummi Mary, I have those six other kids. As OctoMom, I decree that each one of you will take an Octo for your own, and help me raise it up the way it should be, just like Dolly Parton's family assigned each new baby to an older kid.

I am OctoMom, hear me roar. I am thankful that I can have my own baseball team, football team, two basketball teams, and pert near an orchestra if I want to. Surely the Discovery Channel will give us our own show.

Life is grand when you've just birthed 8 babies!

6 comments:

DeadpanAnn said...

Yeah, this story made me cringe a little. She had frozen embryos leftover from when she did the previous IVF procedures, and didn't want to destroy them. I say if you can't bear to do that, you shouldn't start something like IVF where destroying embryos and possibly aborting fetuses if too many "take" is something they warn you about on the FRONT end.

Did you notice in the article that one of her older 8 children is autistic??

DeadpanAnn said...

I meant to say one of the older 6.

Hillbilly Mom said...

Miss Ann,
I want to know where she got the money for the procedure, what with filing bankruptcy two years ago.

I saw that about the autistic child. It's good news/bad news situation. Good news, she must be getting disability money on him. Bad news, he is not getting any benefit from that money, and is going to get only 1/14 of her attention now instead of 1/6.

DeadpanAnn said...

Acc. to the article I read, the lady who used to care for the autistic son claims she told her someone was paying her, but didn't elaborate. So if that's true, whoever was paying her probably paid for the procedures.

They'd better be paying a lot.

Cricky said...

I'd like to punch OctoMom in the face.

Hillbilly Mom said...

Cricky,
I'm betting that a couple of her kids will want to do the same thing in a few years.