Friday, January 16, 2009

Baboon Butt Service

My Little Pony has lips like a baboon's butt.

That is not a very flattering image, but I believe in calling a baboon's butt a baboon's butt. It all started on Wednesday. Perhaps I mentioned that some fool at Elementia decreed that the 4th and 5th graders would go outside for recess after lunch. What's the problem, you ask? Oh, no problem, except that the wind chill was 19 freakin' degrees! Uh huh. The policy is that kids stay in unless the temperature is 40 or above. Even the kids know that. On the way to school in spring and fall, The Pony is constantly checking the rear-view mirror temperature display. "Good, it's above 40. We can go out." The actual temperature at the time of disembarking the building was around 30. That still does not qualify as 'above 40'. Just because the sun is shining does not mean that the temperature is kid-friendly. Especially when the wind comes whipping down the plains. OK, so we're not Oklahoma, but it IS our neighbor. The trailer parks and meth labs we put on our plains do not slow that wind down very much.

I know, kids in Minnesota probably play outside at 20 below in just their shirtsleeves, like hearty Viking linemen. But Missouri is not Minnesota. Our kids are puny, spindly, thin-skinned quarterbacks. Hot-house flowers, if you will. They complain if the air conditioning is set at 71. "I'm so COOOLD!"

Since The Pony got off the bus Wednesday, I have been stewing over this expedition onto the frozen steppe of Outer Playgroundia. The wind was out of the north, people. It was the first reaching tendril of an arctic cold front, the one which brought us our 0 degree temperature on Thursday morning, and our -1 today.

The Pony still has a red cheek from windburn. He said his hood kept blowing off his head. Let's remember that The Pony has a tough Carhartt insulated jacket with a hood that has elastic-y stuff to keep it on his head. He also had gloves in his pocket, which I doubt that he wore, although no fingers have turned black and dropped off yet. Think of the kids without warm coats. We have kids at Newmentia who wore shorts to school yesterday and today, the coldest days on record for the past 10 years. Newmentia kids are old enough to know better. Think of those Elementia youngsters, wearing what their mamas hadn't laid out for them. (Several years ago I had a kid who had to get her little brothers dressed and on the bus. They missed the bus because the 8-year-old put on the 6-year-old's pants, and said, "I can't pull them up." She had to pry those pants off him and sort out their clothes. Because little kids don't know any better.) I feel their pain. If they still have any feeling left.

The worst part is The Pony's lips. They are HUGE. He looks like he's had the collagen. They are so puffy that you could stick him to a window and he wouldn't slide off. He's a walking, talking suction cup. I gave him ChapStick yesterday and told him to put it on every thirty minutes. I hope he doesn't overdose. Don't call 1-800-BAD MOM. I meant well.

The Pony's side of the story is: "My lips really hurt. It started when we went out for recess. The only thing that makes them feel better is to lick them and breathe air on them." Indeed. It has been three days now, and his lips still look like a baboon butt. The Pony darts his tongue over his lips every 10 seconds, like a snake testing the breeze.

I threatened to coat them with Vaseline overnight.


Chickadee said...

Wow. I can't believe they made the kids go outside when there were schools CLOSING because of the cold temperatures.

Poor thing. I've had my lips that dry when licking seems to bring relief, though you know it's bad.

Hope his baboon lips get better over the weekend.

Hillbilly Mom said...

Yesterday, The Pony pranced around licking his lips with impertinence. I finally told his dad, "I'm embarrassed to take him to the bowling alley tomorrow with his lips looking like that." Granted, it was cruel to say that in front of The Pony. But his attitude changed.

The Pony put on his ChapStick every 30 minutes. He stopped licking, at least while in my sight. This morning, he ran to look at his lips. He asked for some plain ChapStick like the janitor at school uses. I guess he thinks it is like MEN'S lipstick.

He looked much more presentable by the time we left. When I saw who he was bowling against, I knew why he was concerned. They were older boys, probably 6th and 7th grade, all bigger than The Pony.

Nobody mentioned his baboon lips. The color is normal, but they are still a bit poofy.