Friday, January 23, 2009

Crap. Crap, I Say!

"The time has come," Ms. HM said,
"To talk of may things:
Of crap--bum rap--revealing back--
A choir that really swings,
And why our 'pal was boiling hot,
And what all of this means."

A bit cryptic for your tastes? Here's the deal: if you have a kid with bad toilet manners, you are responsible for that kid's poop! I mean it! You wouldn't let your dog take a crap on somebody's property and leave it, would you? I mean, not in a country field, but in a populated area. It's nasty. It's crap. CRAP, I SAY!

Apparently, we have a staff member with a small child, a child who delights in taking a daily constitutional in the faculty women's bathroom. This is not a toddler, folks. It's a school-age child. A child who should know that after you poop, you don't leave that log floating in the toilet with a haystack of toilet paper on top for the next person to flush. Push the freakin' handle already! All of us except the parent has stumbled upon this steaming pile when in a hurry to use the facilities just before leaving school. It is nasty. My description, which I have deliberately toned down, does not do it justice. I, for one, am getting tired of this sh*t!


Next up to the plate, the case of the testees who thought they could outsmart the tester, resulting in a known social group miraculously getting two bonus problems right by guessing, mind you, calculations of specific heat. Never mind that no other classes had social groups of people guess the right answers, or that one of their friends actually worked them out and saw her graded test three hours before this group was tested. In handing back the tests this morning, I made a statement about an unbelievable coincidence of a group of people in an afternoon class getting both bonus questions right. I may have been looking at the right-answer girl as I said it. She may have said, "Are you accusing me? Because I did not tell them any answers. They asked me, but I told them I couldn't say." Stick to that story. It ranks right up there with 'You can't PROVE that I did it' for making the old Guilt-O-Meter redline. Oh, and after a cold shoulder for half the hour, the Miraculous Guessers said, "I hear you accused Right-Answer of cheating." They furthermore stated that they had all guessed those right answers on their own, independently. Except for one, who said she worked them out, which was quite possible, her having the talents to do so. As did several others, but this was not their story. I call Crap.

I see a Test B scenario in the future of this class. It looks like Test A, and has questions like Test A, but the questions are different. We shall see who laughs last.


We had a Variety Show today as part of Homecoming festivities. There are some talented students in our school. The swing choir is always entertaining, even in a Beauty and the Beast medley. We also had our own Idol judges to rate the acts. It was all in good fun. Everybody was cheered and appreciated. However...the first act started out under a bit of a wet blanket, as the Principal had to lay the smack down on a Crap Disturber.

CD is new this year, from the district where my kids would go to school if I let them. It is a much bigger school than Newmentia, and I suppose CD fancies himself a big fish in a little pond. The king candidates were announced. They were only supposed to walk out on the gym floor and let people look at them. CD had an ulterior motive. As he walked out, with his back to the crowd, he took off his T-shirt. He then proceeded to take off his black wife-beater. This was not merely to expose his grandiose physique. Written on his back, in 8-inch letters, was 'KING'. And when he turned around, the same 'KING' was written on his chest. He grinned like a possum eating sh*t, flexed a few times for the hooting crowd, and then heard the Principal bellow, "Crap Disturber! Put on your shirt and get up here! NOW!" He was on the ear-end of a stern talking-to for several minutes.

No doubt this is considered a 'boys will be boys/harmless prank/way to fire up the crowd' at his old school. But Newmentia don't play that. That's not how we roll. Our students are voted by subs all the time as Most Well-Behaved. These Newbies come in with bad habits and agendas, and we have to straighten them out. It takes longer for some than for others. CD has proven to be an ongoing project.

"Please weep for me," Ms. HM said,
"Please deeply sympathize."
With sobs and tears she stumbled out
With her crap sandwich sighs
To see if even one comment
A story like this buys.


Stewed Hamm said...

I don't know if I could bring myself to correct someone else's precious darling child. I mean, what if I inadvertently said something that damaged their OH SO FRAGILE self-esteem? I don't think I could live with that.

It's definitely time for HM to whip out her Test B. Even better would be if Test B was almost identical to Test A, other than a few transposed numbers on a few problems. That should yield answers close to but not exactly the same. That should foil most of your Not Nearly As Sneaky As They Think They Are's.

DeadpanAnn said...

Well behaved kids and happy subs? Sounds like a good place to work.

Cheaters piss me off. Back before the English department started making us all use the same tests, I used to have a few tricks to throw off the cheaters. It's easiest to throw them off just by jumbling the questions. If you want to throw in a little extra entertainment, use 2 or 3 different colors of paper to print your tests. The kids will think that everyone who has the same color paper has the same test. It's fun to watch them screw themselves while thinking they've figured out your game.

Hillbilly Mom said...

Next thing you know, the kid will become a cutter, or anorexic, or a tranny, and YOU will get the blame! How dare I announce that people in another class all got both bonuses, while looking at someone while I said it. She's the one who brought up 'cheating', not me.

It's actually time for HM to whip out her WHIP, but I'm pretty sure that type of thing is illegal here in Missouri, where even criticizing Our Exalted Leader just before the election was illegal in some counties. I am taking extra special care of my health so that I will be around in 2012 to cast a vote AGAINST that wicked witch, Claire McCaskill. I don't care if her opponent is a rabid unicorn with a meth habit--I'm voting for the frothing, tweaking, horny one.

I used to take my tests, back in the days before cut and paste, and cut up the questions with scissors, and glue them in different numbers. I also typed up a different wording for the True/False, and made all but one on Test A 'True' and all but one on Test B 'False'. I always put in a simple one, like, "The sun rises in the east and sets in the west." Then the cheaters had a hard time explaining themselves. It was fun to catch them self-righteously declaring that I graded their paper wrong, because so-and-so got them all right, and their answers were the same! After a discussion of the two tests, and wanting to know if we needed a parent conference over this matter, or if a ZERO would suffice, all chose the ZERO. Word got around pretty fast that each test might be a trap baited by Mrs. HM.

Miss Ann,
I love the colored paper idea. Sometimes I leave the front page the same, and fiddle with the other pages. I really hadn't needed to resort to such trickery at Newmentia until this year. My schedule had three sections in a row, and the kids didn't have time to compare. Now, I have two classes after lunch, and the others spread the word.

Stewed Hamm said...

Miz Ann, you're an evil genius. Use your powers wisely.

Hillbilly Mom said...


SOMEBODY seems to have forgotten that here at the Mansion, it is ALL ABOUT ME!!!