Karma Will Chew On You For Lunch

The students this year are giving me a whole new list of Never Evers to work into my First Day of School Speech. I have been lax in reporting them, but I must share today's brand spankin' new Never Ever with you.

A senior popped into my room second hour, and said, "Coach needs to talk to Starter." I let Starter go. This is a rare occurrence, as I normally do not let students out of my class without a note. Especially when another student asks for them. But I figured that this would be an easy one to verify later, what with Coach's office being just a closet, two bathrooms, and a teacher's workroom away from my door. Also, Coach is known for never writing a note. That's why I never let his athletes out of my class to hit in the batting cage or sit around with their thumbs up their butts, or whatever it is they do outside of my class.

Let the record show that 'Starter' is by no means a starter this year. He was the one always referring to himself as a starter on the 8th grade team. He is near the bottom of the barrel this year, so near the bottom that even the #1 son romps on him if they are opponents.

After five minutes and no return of Starter, I did something I have never done that hour, and left them unattended to walk up to the office to inquire as to Starter's whereabouts. It was OK. Eight kids were absent that hour. Almost half the class. And now Starter. Mr. Principal and Secretary, upon hearing that I was looking for Starter, who had been commanded for an audience with Coach, both said, "Oh, there was a problem with the basketball shoes. That's where he is." I was skeptical. I have a more suspicious nature, spending quality time with these little con artists every day. I scurried back to class.

When a total of 12 minutes had elapsed, I got to looking for a suitable subject to send on a reconnaissance mission. Of course there were many volunteers. But no. I had only one selection: the girl with the hurt back who uses BioFreeze on it every morning. I calculated that she was certain to return, being in too much pain to a) join in all the PE games, b) stand and watch the PE games, or c) sit on the hard metal bleachers. I told her I would expect a full report, and that she should tell Starter that Mrs. Hillbilly Mom said to get back to class.

While BioFreeze was gone, many others selflessly volunteered to go find HER. I politely declined. Next thing you know, BioFreeze returned. Right behind her was Starter. He was carrying a shoebox. His face was flushed. He was sweaty.

Where have you been?
Oh, I just had to get my shoes.
I thought the team already got their shoes.
Mine were 10 instead of 10 and a half.
Why are you so sweaty?
I ran up the steps to get here.
I don't think so. It looks like you were playing in gym.
No. I just got my shoes. See?
It took you 12 minutes to pick up a shoebox?
I don't know how long it took.

I turned my attention to Biofreeze.

BioFreeze, was Starter playing basketball in the gym?
No.
Was he playing volleyball?
No.
Was he playing dodgeball?
BioFreeze tilted her head to one side and raised an eyebrow.

BINGO! Starter was busted. I read him the riot act about not being where he was supposed to be. I told him he would never get out of my class again without a note. Coach could walk up and get him if it was that important. Starter apologized. Then he said, "At least I didn't take a shower."

Which is another Never Ever entirely.

FYI: Mr. Principal was informed of Starter's transgression, and called him aside at lunch for a little chewing.