Tuesday, June 16, 2009

Hillbilly Mom, Home Run Pitcher

Tonight I'm looking forward to seeing Andrew Zimmern abandoned on an island for two days to see if he will survive. That's how the Travel Channel commercial described this very special Bizarre Foods. It doesn't seem fair, really. Is he supposed to build a shelter? Or will he just lay on the beach and eat whatever crawls into his mouth? Do they expect that he has been boning up for this experience by watching Bear Grylls on a competing channel? How will our bald doughboy survive? Please, please, don't let him drink his own pee.

Who thought up this concept of killing pudgy Andrew for ratings? Is there no group of People for the Ethical Treatment of Andrew? As long as we're throwing caution out the window, I might as well pitch MY ideas to a cable network.

Bizarre Reservations With Anthony Bourdain: reserve a rubber room for Anthony to host a birthday party for 30 four-year-olds. He will be the sole adult. And he must go without heroin until the party is over. And all children must be alive at the end of the party.

Dirt Road Truckers: put the Ice Road drivers in Honda Civics and force them to follow an 18-wheeler loaded with chickens through 460 miles of Arkansas one-lane dirt road.

Paula's Party: send Paula Deen to McDonald's for a Happy Meal party. No butter allowed.

Man vs. Tile: Bear Grylls is locked in a spotless white tile kitchen for 2 hours, and must cook a meal from regular grocery store food. And NOT drink his own pee.

I'm A Celebrity, Get Me Out Of Here! A-List celebrities are dropped into the jungle and ignored for 48 hours. The screen is black, no sound. Celebrities must not adopt any children during the show.

Most Dangerous Catch: home video of the Jon and Kate wedding.

Big People, Little World: the fattest family in America lives life to its fullest, breaking chairs, being banned from buffets, weighing on livestock scales, and marketing their new invention which they call Buttwiper on a Stick.

Intravention: addicts lure their friends into their sordid lifestyles with peer pressure and money from the network.

True Lives: a family of four works for a living, pays their taxes, raises smart, polite kids, donates time to community causes, gets along, and lives happily with or without the cameras rolling. (First show to be canceled. Critics call it 'unbelievable.')

In the game of broadcasting, pitching a home run is a GOOD THING.


Margaret LaVonne Hall said...

Coming to your blog is like a breath of fresh air! Your humor is priceless...I love the one about Big People Little World...Hilarious...(I could cast myself in that part!),,,then the addicts on intervention! Great post HBM!

Hillbilly Mom said...

Fresh air tinged with chicken droppings. I have trouble sustaining my humor through the summer. There are fewer things to make fun of and complain about. But I still manage to end my sentences with prepositions.

DeadpanAnn said...

Love the fall lineup.

Hillbilly Mom said...

Miss Ann,
Big Brother will know what you're watching. That's why everyone has to have cable or satellite now. The government is taking over the Nielson Ratings monopoly.

When I was a kid, we were actually picked to be Nielson family. There was a little paperback journal for each TV, and you were supposed to write down what channel the TV was on in 15 minute increments, even if no one was in the room watching it. Which I am sure is what advertisers look for in their demographics.