Sunday, February 28, 2010

A Word For The Wise, From The Unwise

You might want to make a note-to-self concerning late-night movie watching. Just in case. Just in case SNL royally sucks with JLo as host and musical guest, sucks so much that you keep nodding off to sleep in the first 15 minutes, necessitating the need for a change of channel.

But at 11:00 p.m., it is not advisable to watch a 1970s movie starring a young, hairless-chested Don Johnson and a fluffy talking dog, named aptly enough: A Boy and His Dog. It is a post-apocalyptic tale of a talking dog who steers horn-dog Donny-boy in the direction of scarcer-than-hen's-teeth females with whom to have his way. Because he has a good nose, that talking dog, who does not so much talk as telepathically communicate with his 19-year-old boy, as you can't see his canine lips moving, but you can hear his every thought. Add to that the fact that he's downright pissy for a man's best friend, and withholds information until young Don buys him some popcorn at a post-apocalyptic adult movie. Oh, but the best is still to come, when Donny follows a corn-fed little gal down below to a creepy underground small-town Fourth-of-July world complete with marching band and Mayberryesque townspeople who wear whiteface and have rosy Raggedy Ann and Andy cheeks. Since it is doubtful that you all will put in a rush order to Netflix to view this masterpiece, I am about to give away vital plot information. So LOOK AWAY if you don't want to read spoilers. OK, here they come: Donny has been tricked to lure him down below to be a procreating partner for 30 females. Well, not so much a partner in the way he wants, because he is actually more of a donor, what with the little gals being given away by their dads, signing a marriage license, and leaving with a vial of vital Donny fluids. But the best part of the whole movie is when Donny escapes with his little gal who wants a real partnership with him, and ends up feeding her to his doggy. Who has the final line of the movie: "Well, I'd certainly say she had marvelous judgment, Albert, if not particularly good taste."

As if that wasn't enough fine cinematic viewing for one night, I happened upon Requiem for a Dream, which I've seen before, and might even have the DVD stashed away somewhere. Let it suffice to say that this movie, though visually stimulating at times, has got to be the most depressing film to come along in quite some time. Not counting Schindler's List, of course.

I had some disturbing dreams which I can not recall, but vaguely remember that they ran along the lines of these movie plots.

I should have just stopped with my mid-morning viewing of The Manchurian Candidate while folding laundry.


Sinead O'Clobber said...

That sounds awful. Sounds like the type of movie my husband would watch, saying it's "so bad it's good."

I saw a bad movie the other night too, though it wasn't nearly THAT bad. It was the movie "Taken." The dialogue was just terrible, the acting was worse, and there were some huge plot gaps. The only good thing was the ass kicking scenes. There were plenty of those, and they were good.

We're watching Zombieland tonight. :)

Hillbilly Mom said...

One supposedly great movie that I could not even watch for 15 minutes was Adaptation. WTF? That was the stupidest piece of crap I ever wasted 14 minutes on.

Stewed Hamm said...

You've got to be in the right mood to watch Adaptation. There's lots of movies like that, actually. Royal Tennenbaums was like that for me - first time i saw it I wasn't impressed. A year later I liked it quite a bit.

Honestly, though, I would have thought that the fact that Don Johnson was in your film would be warning enough for any rational person. Probably the DVD box has a big yellow sticker on it to alert folks to this danger, but you have to be a bit more vigilant when you're watching cable.

Hillbilly Mom said...

I could follow the Royal Tennenbaums, could not adapt to Adaptation. Same with The Orchid Thief, even though I am a Streep fan, and have liked Chris Cooper since he was July Johnson in Lonesome Dove.