Bad Words From Our Sponsor

I'm having issues with commercials. I don't watch much regular TV, but in the morning, I tune in to Morning Joe, and of course Fox and Friends, because you never know when those idiots might just slip in a comment that lets you know what idiots they truly are. Not that they're unlikeable, but as far as fact checkers go, that show apparently can't afford them, or uses 18-year-old interns with public school educations and a leather-bound volume of the Encyclopedia of Common Knowledge.

I saw a new commercial this week for a drug called Aciphex. That's right. Aciphex. Say that out loud. What genius came up with this name? Perhaps one of the anchors on Fox and Friends. Because who wants to ask for a medicine that sounds like you are jonesin' for some A$$ Effects? Not me. No siree Bob, as my grandpa used to say. A$$ Effects is used for treating "ulcers of the stomach and duodenum, erosive or ulcerative gastroesophageal reflux disease (GERD) and Zollinger-Ellison Syndrome (in which there is overproduction of acid caused by tumors). It also is used with antibiotics for eradicating Helicobacter pylori infections of the stomach that, along with acid, are responsible for many ulcers." So I suppose that if you don't put out the fire higher up the digestive tract, A$$ Effects could have a soothing effect on your a$$.

The next commercial to incur Mrs. Hillbilly Mom's wrath is that old lady who raves about her cat, Arthur, who is the most handsome cat in the world. LADY! He's a freakin' cat! He doesn't care if you live or die. He looks at you as a food factory. If you keel over, he's going to eat you, because it is obvious that you don't have any friends that would check on you and see to a proper burial. If you love Arthur so much, why don't you marry him? Oh. You can't. That's why gay people can't get married--because of people like YOU! You are the driving force behind that attitude: if we let gay people marry, then pretty soon, people will be wanting to marry their pets. Because gay partners are like animals, apparently.

Mindnumbingly obnoxious is that Progressive Insurance commercial, where people go shopping at the insurance store, which for some reason is white and bland like an antiseptic hospital environment, and are greeted by this freaky lady with a misshapen head and bad hair. I HATE that commercial.

In the same vein as the Arthur commercial, there are those Zyrtec ads that have people saying things like, "Bicycle, what are we waiting for?" I can't even give that one any points for ending the sentence with a preposition. Then there's the dude who apologizes to his fishing pole, and another addled cat-lover who asks forgiveness of her cat, which is busy rolling around on her couch. Hey, Einstein, how about not having a cat grinding dander into your upholstery if you are prone to allergies? Maybe you need an outside cat and your immune system will straighten up and fly right and you can enjoy the great outdoors. Maybe. My #1 son takes Zyrtec, so I can't boycott the product, because nothing else works for him. The Pony switched to generic Claritin, which is just $4 loratadine, and it works like a charm. Then again, he only needs it in the winter, and #1 needs it year round. But let the record show that we do not have indoor pets. It's just common sense.

Now I'm all worked up. I need a good Capital One commercial. They soothe me. Except for Spaghetti Jimmy.