Friday, July 31, 2009

Hillbilly Mom Is Ready To Rumble

The boys and I went to see Aliens in the Attic this afternoon, with my mom and niece. We got there 50 minutes early to get our preferred seats, the back row on the right side. Since there are only four seats in the side rows, #1 and Niece sat in front of The Pony, Mom, and me. We were the only people in that theater, so we had a family reunion type of conversation. With about 30 minutes remaining until show time, a lady and two kids came in and sat in the center row across from #1. Mind you, the whole rest of the freakin' theater was available for seating, yet they chose to sit in the row across from us.

#1 and Niece got their snacks. We continued to talk. The Pony and I went to get snacks, and passed that other-row woman on her way to the concession stand as we came back. We continued to talk. The movie had not started. A smattering of other viewers, perhaps 15 total, had trickled in and parsed themselves about the theater. Five minutes later, the before-previews junk started. It was a very loud video with that Andrew WK who now hosts the Destroy Build Destroy show on Cartoon Network. The sound was way too loud in our theater. Which made it very difficult for us to continue our conversation. Yes. We are THOSE people who talk in a movie theater. BUT, in our defense, it was only during the pre-previews.

That hag across the row from us turned and said, "Can we hear this, please?" And it was not a polite request, but rather, one dripping with sarcasm. Now don't think for one instant that this witch was interesting in hearing Andrew WK and his excessively loud discordant chords. No. Hagatha was just humping our collective legs like an overly aggressive pooch to assert her dominance. And because I have my panties in a wad with the nerve of her calling us out on our movie-talking, I am going to describe her further, in a most unflattering light. She had stringy gray hair that hung past her shoulders, a gray that most self-respecting women would color, not that pretty silvery gray-white of sweet old grandmas or Maggie Griffin, Kathy's mom. Because she was not that aged, our Hagatha, perhaps in the 40s range, but with hair that made her look 20 years older. Her girth might have kept her out of a roller coaster at Six Flags, but still allowed her to fit into the movie seats. She had a little round daughter beside her, perhaps nine years old, feeding from the feed bucket of a large popcorn tub, and a smaller, younger daughter taking up the entire middle row in front of her. Because your know how people are, they don't generally want to sit in a row that has a person in it already, because it only leads to toe-stomping and butts-in-the-face during restroom and snack bar excursions.

Not for one instant did I think that Hagatha wanted to hear that unlovely melody blasting from the speakers at top volume. In fact, the wonder of it all was that she heard us talking over the din. After her rhetorical question, we all looked at each other in that silent moment that comes before a stifled group outburst of hysterical silent laughter. The #1 son said, "We should ask her, 'What? You can't hear this? Maybe you should turn up your hearing aid.' " Niece suggested that we go out and ask the ushers to turn down the volume in our theater. I didn't think either one was a very good idea, though they were quite humorous. Just to show Hagatha who was boss, we finished the topic we had been jawing about, then stopped for a few moments to see what the next pre-preview would be. Round daughter climbed over Hagatha with the empty popcorn tub and went for a refill. I glared at her for good measure. She returned shortly with another heaping tub of buttery goodness. Smalls in the other row only had a child add-on bag of popcorn.

Then the actual previews started. The lights went down. An usher closed the door just as #1 was getting up to do so. Right after a preview of Shorts, in that golden time when the screen goes black just before the next preview, and all is silent, Smalls turned around to Hagatha and declared out loud, "I WANT TO SEE THAT MOVIE!" Heh, heh. Never let a smart-a$$ opportunity go to waste! Wait for it, people, wait for it...

"I'd like to hear this movie!" Ha ha ha ha ha! I crack myself up. Touche' for me, myself, and I. Do you think I made my point to Hagatha?

I'd like to think so.


Stewed Hamm said...

Oooh, BURN!!!

Word Verification: Zatio. Manufactured jargon from an unfortunate marketing campaign that attempted to bring back "Zima," the creators of which are currently roasting in hell.

DeadpanAnn said...



Now, about that giant tub of popcorn being refilled- and before the movie even started? Geezis! Tim and I usually get a large popcorn and two large diet cokes. (If you're gonna spend $11.50 for the medium you may as well spend $12 and get the large, right?) Anyway we never eat it all. We come close, but can't empty the bucket, much less go for a refill before the previews are over.

Hillbilly Mom said...

Zatio: a prefab patio on which you sit to sip your Zima.

Miss Ann,
We get the large popcorn bag/medium sodas combo. That's because the large sodas are too unwieldy in the cupholders. Oh, and #1 has to get a child add-on because he likes butter and we don't. The Niece upgraded to the tub because she said the worker pressured her, and it was for charity, and it was only a quarter more, so she and #1 shared it. Even they didn't need a refill on popcorn.

The Pony and I dump a truckload of butter salt on our bag of popcorn. We only go for a refill if it is old and we want fresh, or if it gets all crumbly and seedy. Then we dump that popcorn out of the bag into the trash and go back for more. We figure we paid for it.

Oh, and that little round girl went back a THIRD time about 5 minutes before the movie was over. She wasn't dumping out the popcorn, either. The trash was right behind me, and she didn't even stop.