Even Steven Disburses The Windfall

Though Newmentia's basketball teams had a good showing against their archrival on Friday night, the evening was marred by those thievin' rascals. Our JV athletes were ripped off by a locker-room thief who got into their bags and pants pockets and took a phone and over $75 while they were on the court beating the pants off of Archrival's JV team.

This larceny occurred between half-time and the end of the game, apparently, because that's when the missing items were noticed...after the game as players were getting dressed and looking forward to consuming mass quantities of snack bar food. Believe me, those boys can put it away. #1 and his cronies usually spend the first half of the varsity game eating. Hot dogs, pizza, nachos, soda, whatever the school is selling. It doesn't matter. It is the first food they have had since lunch at 10:53 a.m. Unless they sneak into the teacher workroom and patronize the snack machine while waiting for the team bus to leave. They are growing boys, you know, and would prefer a feeding every two hours if feasible.

Thank the Gummi Mary, I force the #1 son to give me all his valuables during games. He was not keen on the idea last year or at the beginning of this year. Now he thinks I am a genius. You see, last year during basketball season, he had his iPhone, his precious baby that he had to trade in 5 times for various malfunctions, and he didn't want to take a chance on anything happening to it. This year, after I chastised him for not giving his stuff to me during the first game of the season, he acquiesced. He first complained that I wasn't there for him to give it to me before that first game. So sorry that I don't arrive at the venue before the team bus. That would be a bit too obsessive even for me. I was there plenty of time before the game. In fact, there was a freshman game between the host school and another opponent. All #1 had to do was leave the locker room and bring me his valuables. But no. Or, he could have handed them to me when the team ran out and made their first lap around the court for warm-ups. But no. After that game, the opponents had two dudes who came at one of our varsity players, threatening to beat him to a pulp. That may or may not be because he scored more than their entire team. The coach had to climb down the steps of the bus and tell them to be on their way. But I digress. I think #1 saw that his little unicorn/rainbow/fluffy kitten/standing on a mountaintop teaching the world to sing outlook on life just might not be appropriate for a game held on an opponent's home turf.

In fact, #1 gives me his precious G1 (or whatever he calls that freaky phone) and Blues leather wallet and Zune and glasses and headphones when I leave school. He stays to kill time until the team bus leaves, and he does it without a phone and a Zune. That means he is entertainmentless on those bus rides. It's a wonder he survives. But he made that decision. Now he's glad that he did.

#1 was not one of the robbery victims. Starter lost a phone and some money. Mystery GameSaver lost $30. #1's buddy, Froggy, lost $25. A couple of other dudes said they lost money. The principal of Archrival School said he would deal with it in a bit...he had something else going on. Which was homecoming. I guess some of them come home to steal. It's not like we're a rich school. We're probably more economically depressed than Archrival School. Why do they want to steal from US? They need to pick on the rich kids, not lowly Newmentia students.

I felt really bad for Froggy. He was sitting down in front of us, looking like he just lost $25. Because he DID. Normally, he's out in the lobby eating with the other boys. #1 went and got a soda, but said the other food was a rip-off. I told him not to worry about the price. I had given him money, and so had his grandma. I gave #1 a ten-dollar bill and told him to go give it to Froggy, because I thought Froggy looked hungry. It was going to be 9:30 or 10:00 before the bus got back to Newmentia. That's a long time for 15-year-old boys to go without eating. I said he could tell Froggy he was loaning it to him, but not to worry about paying it back. Because I had just won $50 on that lottery ticket out in the parking lot. And $10 for Froggy to eat a supper of snack bar food was not going to break me. Froggy is a good kid. Unlike the other victims, he did not have a parent at the game who could buy him food.

At first, Froggy didn't want to take the money. #1 insisted. He explained that him mom had won $50 on a lottery ticket, and had given him $10. Froggy said it didn't feel right to take the money. #1 said it was fine, that he should get something to eat. Froggy said he would take it, but that he was paying it back. #1 said OK. He came back to sit by us, since that gym was packed with thieves and our fans. Froggy got up and went for some food. I knew he looked hungry.

I figure that $50 is just about used up, what with that $10 for Froggy, and $10 that I lost on that cheating candle-fundraiser chick, and that extra $10 that the Krispy Kreme fundraiser chick made me pay again because she didn't keep a record of her sales, and the $1.50 that I have given to Charger over three afternoons to get a snack for academic team practice, and the $6 I spent on the lottery tickets. That adds up to $37.50 for you people who don't teach math. So I've still got $13.50 to fritter away on kids who need a dollar or a quarter here and there.

I'm Even Steven, you know.