Champaign Wishes

I'm kind of excited about my gambling trip tomorrow, but also a bit disappointed. My grandma was supposed to go with us, but is having some circulation issues with her legs. The last thing a 92-year-old gimpy grandma needs is a 90-minute ride on the Old People Gambling Bus. One time it was the big bus, with a bathroom. But lately it has been a shuttle bus, due to lack of ridership. Not that I would know from being on it. I haven't been to the casino in about a year and a half. But I see that Old People Gambling Bus on Wednesdays and Saturdays. And I wish I was on it.

I have a stash of expendable income stored up. I even cashed in a $40 scratch-off ticket and put that money in my stash instead of buying more tickets. I haven't been scratching much. Times are tough, you know, and my #1 son needs basketball gear for riding the bench.

Don't think I'm planning on a big win. That never happens to me. I'm Even Steven. I will win or lose a moderate amount. And over the course of the year, it will even out. The #1 son has already decided that if I win big, I will buy him a new phone. He'd better watch the sky for flying pigs. The last time I won anything (that $1000 scratcher), I bought him a new laptop. Now he thinks he can lay claim to my future windfalls. That ain't happenin'.

Land Baron H dreams big. If he ever won, which is unlikely, since he never goes, because he spends his squirrelled-away funds on livestock instead of gambling, he says he would buy a ranch in Montana. I can't imagine ever winning enough to do that. The biggest dream I have would be to buy Land Baron H a mule. Not the animal. A mule. The ATV kind. Or maybe a Gator, or a Rhino. Depends on whether he wants a Kawasaki or a John Deere or a Yamaha. They're kind of pricey, though. And he already has a Scout, the poor man's version.

But that's what I would spend my hard-earned gambling winnings on if I won. Because I really don't need anything that I don't already have. We are simple folk.

Especially Simple H.