I Have An Excuse

I have been remiss in posting this past week. I had planned to be back on Saturday. In fact, I had planned to be back on Friday, which was a glorious SNOW DAY, our 4th of the school year. But that was not to be. So sue me. I'm a day late. I have an excuse.

Mrs. Hillbilly Mom has come down with her first virus of the season! I know. It's hard to believe, what with her being sick SIX TIMES last school year, that she has just now succumbed to the creeping crud circulating the hills and dales of Hillmomba. Turning those student desks at a right angle to the supreme desk must surely have had a hand in the delayed onset of snuffling sniffles.

This is, indeed, a curious case for the medical annals. Hopefully, this will not become a case for Dr. G: Medical Examiner. Remember that The Pony had to miss a day and a half of school the week before last with a vomity bug and fever. Three days later, on a Sunday afternoon, Mrs. HM came down with a fever and stomach bug, though hers was emanating from the other end. Fever of 100.1 for 12 hours. Mrs. HM did what any self-respecting teacher would do, and dragged herself out of bed on Monday morning, and slunk off to school to spread it to the student body. Though it must be noted that if any of them actually caught it, it was due to their own hard-headedness, what with Mrs. HM emphasizing daily how she does not want to be touched by students, or have them touch her things, or get into her personal space.

By Monday evening, the headache abated, the gut issue resolved, and the fever went away. So Mrs. HM thought she was free and clear on that Tuesday that she took off from school to take the #1 son to his orthodontist. Wednesday was uneventful, except that a not unpleasant urchin who has Mrs. HM twice a day breeched the personal space barrier in the hallway, and coughed on Mrs. HM. At the time, Mrs. HM tried not to flinch, ever-so-diplomatically trying not to harm the child's psyche by letting out her silent scream of "EEWWW!" Thursday morning dawned with a sore throat in Mrs. Hillbilly Mom's neck throbbing to beat the band, a sore throat that spread from the right tonsil to the left tonsil by Friday, and down into the deeper neck by Saturday. The actual etiology of this sickness may never be ascertained, but all fingers point to The Pony or the urchin, as Mrs. HM is a hand-washing fool, and the only way a virus can enter her is through her inhaled breath. The timing of The Pony illness is suspect, what with such a 3-day lapse from fever to sore throat.

Anyhoo...I have it now. Having dosed myself with some of Patient H's cough medicine left over from 2008, I have staunched the cough and dried up some mucus momentarily. The stuffy headache went away after several snorts of The Devil's saline nasal solution. The main issue now is the lack of sleep due to sneaky snot dribbling down the back of my throat and choking me awake every hour. I yearn for some sweet, sweet Histinex.

Today and yesterday have been a tasting wasteland, what with my inability to smell. You would think that the aroma of a fresh jar of Vicks VapoRub could penetrate any olfactory system. But no. Mrs. Hillbilly Mom could have easily worked a double shift as a custodian at a limburger cheese packaging plant, cleaning toilets after a stomach flu epidemic, in the aftermath of an angry skunk invasion. Lunch today was a Smart One chicken dish and a shredded lettuce with onion and tomato salad. Though I might just as well have chowed down on the cardboard box, because HELLO! I have no taste.

That Vicks VapoRub could easily be marketed as a sealant. It could protect a redwood deck from a rain of axes and spears and whatnot. If Bear Grylls found a little blue jar of Vicks VapoRub washed up on the beach, he could fashion a sea-worthy raft from butterfly wings and spiderweb, if only he slathered it with Vicks VapoRub before launch. Entire towns along the Mississippi River could be saved during flood season, if only the city engineers would coat the levees with Vicks VapoRub. That stuff is impenetrable. Just try and wash it off your chest and neck. I dare you. No matter how many layers of skin you remove, the Vicks VapoRub remains. Like a second skin. A waxy, waterproof second skin, which causes water to bead up in a manner that puts Turtle Wax to shame.

Don't hate me because I am waterproof. Hate me because I will miss a day of work on Thursday with my wayward thyroid.