Saturday, January 2, 2010

No Caviar Dreams For Hillbilly Mom

I regret to report that there was no big win for Mrs. Hillbilly Mom at the casino today. No need to send me your condolences. Nobody can be sadder than ME! Still, I returned with a tidy sum, in case I feel the urge to ride the Old People Gambling Bus again. I started the morning on the $1 machines, which I never play, just because I had some old birthday and Christmas money saved up. Money which the givers had instructed me to take to the casino! Which is as good as free money, actually, and you're doing with it what they requested. Hopping from one machine to another, giving them 3 to 5 plays, soon put me $60 ahead. If only I had stopped there...

Next, I proceeded to the quarter machines, playing some of those freaky five-credit criss-crossy doodads, which I rarely play. No dice. Not a good investment. I tried some regular quarter machines, but chose poorly by playing the progressive games. Not a good move.

For the hour before lunch, I plopped down and played some machine poker, on an 8/6 machine because it was quarters, and the 9/6 machine I had my eye on took dollars. I happily whiled away the hour, making back a little of my money. If only I had stopped there...

After a lunch of a ham-and-cheese panini, which was not as good as the photo on the menu, I charted a course for the Island side of the casino, leaving a trail of losings in the Mardi Gras. Here I machine-hopped again, pretty much breaking even before developing a slow leak of funds that persisted until time to cash in my bus coupon for $5. I had to wait in line at the All Guests cashier, who was having some trouble with an elderly gentleman who required a supervisor for unknown reasons. I was afraid I was going to be in line so long that I would miss my bus home. Thankfully, the geezer was pacified, the dude ahead of me was speedy, and the male cashier gave me $10 for my trouble. It could be because of my tremendous injection of funds into his casino, or for my wait. He made a low-talker comment about how he was going to go ahead and give me $10, so I'm thinkin' he did me a favor.

With only a few minutes left until passenger round-up time for the Old People Express, I gravitated to the nearest kiosk of quarter progressive machines to the exit. By hopping from one machine to the next, I turned my $10 into $50 with three machines and five minutes. I hurriedly cashed out and hoofed it over to the entryway to ignore those old people who rode up on my bus. I called my aunt, who was reading on a park bench over by the Mardi Gras, and saved her from being one hag left behind.

The ride back was fairly uneventful. Though I will caution any budding vampires to avoid this trip like the plague, as shafts of afternoon sunlight were bright enough to kill the undead. If the hothouse temperatures didn't kill them first. Those old people must have iron-poor blood. I'm guessing the thermostat was set on 92 degrees. And some of them even kept their coats on! Even my mom, (she of the brick home Summer Inside The Volcano Theme Park: "I'm comfortable in here" house to envy a Swedish sauna) would have shed her shoes, cut off her jeans, and dabbed her neck with a Bounty Select-A-Size.

As we were filing down the aisle at our designated stop at The Devil's Playground, one of the old crones said, complimentarily, "We had a really good driver." And the one behind her said, without missing a beat, "And a really good heater."


JustLinda said...

Oh, THAT casino. I could have told you the machines that we like so you could try them...

Did you play Stampede Round up? Yeee-hawww, it's fun. We also like the Playboy machines (we're immoral like that...)

We only play the penny machines, though. We bet multiple (criss-crossy) paylines so usually each bet is closer to 50 cents, but still....

Hope you had fun!

Integrator said...

One of my relatives managed to spend the annual garage sale earnings (about $250) in casino:)
And I am guessing most older people did not complain about heat because their bodies have lower metabolism, so they like warmer environment!!

Hillbilly Mom said...

I definitely could have used some advice. I did not elbow my way through the old people to play pennies. Not that I'm saying you're old...but on a Saturday afternoon, with the Old People Gambling Transport Service running, there's a crowd.

I definitely had fun. Like that upstart young Asian woman who barreled into The Devil's Playground parking lot just as we were pulling out. She had the nerve to be the youngest person on that Old People Gambling Bus. That is my rightful claim, and she ruined it. And when we loaded up to leave the casino, she was the last one on, and after a terse conversation with either herself or her cell phone, she GOT OFF THE BUS. The old people were all atwitter. "But how will she get HOME?" I'm thinkin' she made other arrangements.

That explains why I was so uncomfortable on the Old People Gambling Bus...a mere spring chicken such as myself.