Tuesday, November 25, 2008

Russia Is Putting Ships In Our Backyard

It's true. I heard it on FOX news. Russia is putting ships in our backyard. I didn't hear the details. I had to go put supper on the table. Where is our backyard? I thought Canada was our backyard. How did Russia get ships into Canada? Not the Great Lakes. I mean up above that line over North Dakota and Montana. That's what I see as our backyard. Not the water between Florida and Cuba, where people ride inner tubes to partake of the benefits of this great country. That is our front yard. Not the West Coast. That's our patio, for BBQing and watching the sunset. Not Alaska. That's our treehouse, up there all by itself, where we go to get away from it all and play. So somebody explain to me how Russia sailed those ships to the Canadian interior. Did those Ice Road Truckers have anything to do with it? Because if they did, I'd say give Russia that loser guy, Drew, who quit the first day, and who couldn't even drive a local truck without pissing people off. Drew might just be our secret weapon. If anybody could sink a ship on dry land, it would be Drew.

This got me thinking. What if Russia put ships in MY backyard, here in Hillmomba? I can see it now. HH would go out on the back porch to take a pee, and see those ships sitting there watching the Mansion. He would come in and pull a pair of unfashionable 80's shorts on over his tighty whities out of respect for a foreign government, and go out to investigate.

"Fellas, you're in my backyard. I don't want any trouble, but you're gonna have to leave. It's my property. I don't know what you're looking for, but I don't have it. You're making my dogs nervous, and with all that barking, my very special chicken won't lay. I KNOW it looks like a rooster--but Basementia Buddy swore that it's a hen. You all need to back off, or I will have to call the Sheriff. He knows me. He lives just out the road here. He had the last guy that tried to shoot me arrested, and it cost him $3000. Yep. $1000 to post bond, and $2000 for a lawyer. That's U.S. money, fellas. Come to think of it, he wasn't the last guy that tried to shoot me. That was one of those young men down the road here, peppering my cabin with their shotgun pellets. They were idiots. They acted like they didn't know that if you shoot a shotgun into the air, the pellets have to come down somewhere. Like on the roof of my cabin. You guys got any shotguns on those boats? Watch where you're pointing them, is all I've gotta say. Hey, if you see any wild pigs, I get first choice of them. I trapped a couple of nice ones in the BARn on Sunday, but my wife made me give them back to that little girl that said they were her pets. They woulda been some good eatin', fellas. I've never been to Russia. I've been to Germany. Do you want a shot of Apfelkorn? It tastes like apples. It'll knock you on your butt. It's best when it's ice cold. I keep it in the freezer. There. Now you guys need to get out of my backyard. This is a private area. I'm surprised you didn't see the sign down by the creek: Property Owners Only. Trespassers Will Be Prosecuted. If you see those Jehovah Witness boys, tell them they don't belong up in here either. Thank the Gummi Mary, we won't see the Mormons. Those bicycles don't go very good on gravel, and I don't think they want to ride five miles out of town. Have you boys seen any of those pirates that are in the news? Why don't you just shoot anybody trying to come over the side of your boat? That makes the most sense in the world to me. If they're not invited and they don't get back when you tell them, they deserve to be shot. You've got a whole shipload of people. How are they gonna take over your boat unless you lay down and let them? You fellas go on now. There's nothing to see here. And you're messing up my backyard. At one time, I thought about mining copper back here. It's mine. Move along."

Sarah Palin is the new HH.

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