Saturday, November 29, 2008

The Remedy

My mom called me with a new home remedy when The Pony was sick earlier this week. She said that one of her old lady friends emailed it to her. Which may be a good reason to keep the elderly off the internet. Unlike the simple Irish Spring bar of soap under the covers to prevent leg cramps, this one was a bit more messy. It involved Vicks Vap O Rub applied to the soles of a child's feet at bedtime. Once you wrestle that child into submission and slather its feet with stinky, burny, petroleum jelly, you put socks on the child and tuck him in. According to my mom, it is 100% effective in stopping the cough of a child.

I did not try this vaporopathic cure. I would have given it a shot, but The Pony put his foot down. In fact, he glared at me and said, "I better not wake up with socks on my feet!" Once I came down with the sickness, I asked my mom if she thought I should try it on myself. "Oh, honey, I think it only works on kids. I don't think it's 100% effective on adults. But you can TRY it." Well. If it's not 100% effective, why waste my time and get my hands all gunky by rubbing this Vicks Vap O Rub on my own foot soles? I'll just swipe some of it up on a washcloth and apply it to my neck and chest as usual.

Here's why I think this cure is bogus. If it only works 100% of the time on kids, that's because HELLO the kids are put to bed, and then you go to bed, and since you are asleep, you don't hear the kids cough. Whereas, if you put it on your OWN feet, you wake up when you cough, and you know it doesn't work. You're welcome. Another myth busted by Hillbilly Mom.

Thanksgiving Day, someone brought up the Vicks remedy. My niece said, "Oh yeah. My dad needs to try that. He's got this one toenail that is as thick as his toe. It is hideous. They say that Vicks really works." Obviously, she was in on a different Vicks scam. But she went on to share too much information about that toenail.

"One time, my dad came to my softball game at the Sports Complex. He put his chair over by the concession stand. I had asked him to hold my phone and my keys for me while I was playing. Dad wore flip-flops. I have told him NEVER to wear flip flops because of that toenail. I think he did it just to embarrass me. I looked over, and he had taken off his flip flop and put his foot up on a post. After the game, I found out why. He had taken a picture of that toenail, and had set it as my phone background. That was just nasty."

Not very becoming behavior for my brother-in-law-the-mayor. I don't know if the two incidents are related, but he announced over dessert that he does not plan to run for re-election, and if elected, he will not serve.

Have I ever mentioned that I hate feet?


DeadpanAnn said...

I was gonna tell you that Vicks cures most fungal infections of the foot, but I see someone beat me to it. It really works too, and it's much quicker than the other medicines you take for that kind of thing. I should know, because I caught a creepy fungus from a razor wielding Asian woman.

I've heard of the Vicks cough cure, but not that it only worked on kids. I've never tried it for a cough. It might be worth a shot, considering all the bad crap in the news about kids' cough and cold medicines.

Hillbilly Mom said...

Miss Ann,
I don't know why the Vicks cough cure should come from applying it to the feet. It clearly says to apply it to the throat and chest, and it IS a cough remedy, after all.

HH told me to put some up in my nostrils. He also said that his dad made him and his brothers eat a fingerful. I would make a snide comment about his dad not reading the directions, but, umm...his dad was blind. That's no excuse for HH himself telling me to put it in my nostrils. It clearly says NOT to put it in the nostrils.

HH is trying to kill me. Thank the Gummi Mary, I have been able to outsmart him so far.

I will make a Note To Self about the fungus cure, just in case I decide to visit a razor-wielding Asian woman. For some reason, I picture her looking like MadTV's Bobby Lee in drag.

Stewed Hamm said...

My best cure for foot fungus is urine. While it's no less odorific than VapoRub, it does wash off a hell of a lot easier. Plus, you don't have to run down to the store to buy it... just have a glass of water and wait a bit.

Word Verification: amratio The proportion of AM radio stations compared to FM radio stations.

Hillbilly Mom said...

Those people on Survivor one year were rockin' the urine as a cure for jellyfish stings. That one lady, Kathy, kept on a-peein' even after they guy thought he was cured.

Word Veri has been making actual words lately. I think it's some kind of conspiracy.

Stewed Hamm said...

I think the word verification is just making a cryptic attempt to get invited to your OH SO POLITICAL blog.

Hillbilly Mom said...

Yes, people are breaking down my virtual door to leave cryptic comments and be invited. That's why I installed my alternative route--to save on virtual doors.