Friday, September 12, 2008

Midnight In The Garden Of Evil And Evil

Mrs. Hillbilly Mom is battling an evil cold. Somebody slipped her the virus without leaving any clues. It originated in the back of her throat, with a 24-hour pain so severe that she took a single ibuprofen. But not so severe that she drove herself to the emergency room to be diagnosed with...a cold. That's what HH did a couple years ago. Not to be confused with the time he drove himself to the ER for an undiagnosed brain tumor, only to be diagnosed inner ear infection.

Normally, HM would blame HH for the demon virus. It only stands to reason that such a microbe was inhaled from the fetid exhaust emanating from HH's breather. Yet HH is healthy as a horse. Or so he says. Neither of the Hillbilly children have symptoms. That leaves casual contacts from monetary transactions, or that seething cauldron of microbia called Mrs. Hillbilly Mom's Classroom. Though a few students have been ill, Mrs. HM is rigid in her adherence to handwashing protocol.

The only avenue left to blame is airbornicity. Perhaps Mrs. Hillbilly Mom's uvula was in the wrong place at the wrong time, and trapped a single virus much like flypaper lays the smack down on those vile, vomiting houseflies. Or maybe said uvula dangled there, tauntingly, enticing the virus like a freaky, fishing-lure-headed deep-sea denizen attracts its prey.

Whatever the etiology, Mrs. HM is hurtin' for certain. This single day seemed to last a week. Thank the Gummi Mary, the Hillbilly Mom mother called the doctor for her to get some sweet, sweet Histinex phoned into the pharmacy. It's a lifesaver, what with HM getting 3 hours of sleep last night, whether she needed it or not. Nightly draining snot strangles HM, causing her awaken, sputtering, like Tim Conway in a sketch with Harvey Korman on an old episode of The Carol Burnett Show.

After picking up the sweet, sweet Histinex on the way home from school, and dosing herself with precisely 1 and 1/2 teaspoons, in addition to self-medicating with a vat of Hot & Sour Soup...HM felt somewhat normal. Never mind that she was tasteless. The pounding headache and sinus pressure went away. The hairballesque hacking has abated. The only problem is that sweet, sweet Histinex does not travel alone. He brings his sidekick Mr. Sleepyhead with him, and Mr. Sleepyhead is now kicking Mrs. HM's butt.

Sweet, sweet dreams to all as I slip into a sweet, sweet slumber.


Cazzie!!! said...

Hope you get better soon, we all just kicked th4 dreaded virus here in this house. I drank copious amounts of Peppermint tea with honey..and burned lavender, eucalypt and cammomile tea.

Hillbilly Mom said...

Your antidote sounds healthy. Mine consists of copious quantities of sweet, sweet Histinex, water, and an occasional Diet Coke laced with limeade and sugar.

If I was a drinking woman, I would have resorted to my grandpa's remedy of Blackberry Brandy.