Save Us From Ourselves

How did people get so stupid? Back in the day, I did not know we had so many idiots running around. Or maybe they just kept quiet, because they KNEW they were idiots and didn't want to call attention to their idiocy.

Yesterday morning, one of the lead news stories on a St. Louis channel was a rockslide. Yep. "Whoop-ti-freakin'-do," to quote the stupidly deceased comedian Chris Farley. The reporter actually proclaimed, "Authorities do not yet know what caused the rock slide." Gimme a freakin' break already. Rocks the size of toasters fell from a cliff beside the highway. Um...let's put on our thinking caps and concentrate real hardly. Maybe...do you think...end of winter freezing/thawing season...overnight rain shower...gravity...BY CRACKY, I THINK I'VE GOT IT! The cracks in the rocks were widened by the freezing of water that seeped down into them over the past three months, and then the rain washed away some of the soil that had been holding the rocks, and the force of gravity pulled them downward, and they bounced onto the highway. Yeah. That's the ticket!

Then, on my way to work, there was an annoying light mist on the windshield, and the wipers of T-Hoe came on by themselves. Because people don't understand how to work those newfangled inventions, apparently. Or they don't know when it's raining unless they tilt back their head and look at the sky. What's next, a toilet that wipes your butt for you? They already flush themselves, you know. Because people are too stupid.

All I know is, I was quite thankful that I wasn't driving a Prius, because what would I do if my speedometer got stuck and I was barreling along the highway at 95 miles per hour, standing on my brake pedal, and using my cell phone to call for help? Actually, I KNOW what I would do. Put the freakin' transmission in NEUTRAL, baby! Then apply the brake and emergency brake until I stop. But I guess that would mean I had to put down my cell phone to shift into neutral.

Upon returning home from school, I went to put away the Peter Pan Honey-Roasted Peanut Butter that I had left on the counter, and saw on the back of the label, under the nutritional information and list of ingredients, a warning: CONTAINS PEANUTS. Jeez. Do you think?

We are in such sorry shape that I doubt people even know what handbaskets are anymore.