Bones To Pick

I have a bone to pick with a certain faculty member of the gymnasium persuasion. He outed me to my class of techies. HOW DARE HE!

We were in the midst of a discussion of why I would not put in a good word with the ParkingSpaceStealer for one of the problem children. Actually, I was in the midst of taking roll for this multitude of techies, but I can multitask. Problem Child has an accomplice who acts as his attorney. I declined to put in a positive comment, as I have daily trials and tribulations with Problem Child. Problem Child asked, "Wouldn't I make a good lawyer, Mrs. Hillbilly Mom?" His accomplice said, "Here now. I am the lawyer." I told Problem Child, "Actually, you make a better..um...uh...criminal." Just then, the female hyena-laugher sitting behind Problem Child and the Attorney said, "Client?" Yes. "That's the word I was looking for."

The nature of Problem Child's problem with ParkingSpaceStealer was that he said something about her. To her face. About her age. Oh no he di'n't! He is not known for his common sense, our Problem Child. So I told him I most certainly would not defend him, what with merely two years ago having someone (I turned to look at Professional Victim, sitting in the front row) tell me that I was so old my Social Security # was '1'. And furthermore, that if anybody told me to act my age, I would drop dead. Uh huh. This is why I need summers off. Several students (and I use that term loosely) remembered that exchange.

It was at that time that the GymRat walked in to give a jacket to Mr. Sneaky. I filled him in on the ageist political incorrectness that was running rampant. All he had to do was play along with my point that it's not proper to mention a lady's age. I'm always happy to ensnare a classroom visitor into my web of faux outrage. But no. GymRat said, making his exit, "Well, she was teaching when I was a student here."

OK, that's technically correct, but he was very young! The kids mouths dropped open. Just two weeks ago, one of them guessed that I am 35 years old. So I said, "Of course, Coach GymRat was talking about Mrs. ParkingSpaceStealer." Some of them bought it. Some of them didn't. Some of them said, "He's crazy."

Why'd he have to do me like that?