Skating On Thin Slate

Today we had an adventure. The #1 son was dropped off at his basketball day camp, The Pony and I made our daily pilgrimage to The Devil's Playground, then we picked up my mom for a lunch at Captain D's. The Pony loves the breadsticks. Sometimes, he'll even eat a piece of fish. But that's not the adventure.

The adventure was trying to walk from the front door of Captain D's to the counter. The floor of slate tiles, or perhaps ceramic tiles, was a slimy slope to skate. It seemed like it was a slope, anyway. All three of us had problems with our locomotion. I, in my New Balance, The Pony in his Nike slides, and my mom in her some kind of white leather court shoes. For a minute, I thought we were trying to survive a Japanese game show.

I don't know what the major malfunction of this flooring was, but I could hardly stand up. My feet slid in opposite directions. I felt like the littlest Duggar trying to rollerblade last week. I finally grabbed the counter to order two Fish & Fries, plus a kid's Fish & Fries, and some breadsticks. Now don't go assuming that kid's meal was for The Pony. You know what happens when you ASSume. Au contraire, my mom likes to put the fish on a breadstick and make a sandwich. She just wants a little fish, but the fish on the kid's meal always ends up bigger than the Fish & Fries fish. Oh, and I substituted a baked potato for the fries, so technically, I had a Fish & Tater meal.

But getting back to our not so excellent adventure...with all our whining about the slippery floor, a worker came out and said something about mopping off that floor, and another one said no. We made our way to the drink machine, holding on to the counter, then slowly hiked to the opposite corner to our regular table. That was an Olympian feat, getting to the table while carrying a soda and two ketchup thingies, with no counter for a crutch. I wished I had some crampons to assist my slimy soles. My mom selflessly volunteered to go pick up the order, which had been announced when we were in No Man's Land, halfway across the dining room. There's no turning back when you're on a mission.

Just then, a worker appeared with our tray, in the midst of more whining about not being able to remain upright without assistance. She declared that there was nothing they could do about the floor, really, except put up the signs that say "Wet Floor." According to this geological wizard, the floor gets this way in humid weather, due to the underlying surface and the properties of the tile. Whoop ti doo! Who woulda thunk that a Nobel Prize winner for mineralology would be working at Captain D's? Not me.

Funny that I have never heard of other restaurants having this issue. Or homes. Surely, the flooring contractor or the tile supplier would have a solution other than "Wet Floor" for such a problem. Sweet Gummi Mary, did they build that restaurant over a landfill, with decomposition gases percolating up through the soil? No. That would have the opposite effect. The underlying ground must be cooler that the surface, so the moisture condenses on the tile. Just like on a cold glass of soda.

I can safely say Captain D's is not built on a glacier. Maybe the ground is cooler than the restaurant. But people's basements don't get condensation on the floor during humid weather. If this is due to condensation, how about investing in a dehumidifier, Captain? And besides, the air conditioning should keep the tile close to the ground temperature. Unless... wait a minute... you don't think... maybe a buildup of GREASE could cause that greasiness, do you? Because I know people who have worked in restaurants, and they say you don't notice it while you're working, but when you come home, your clothes and your hair stink like the restaurant, and there's a thin film of grease coating your entire body. That's what Faye from the dorm told me, and she worked in an upscale steak restaurant. Well, as upscale as you can get in Springfield, Missouri, but it wasn't a chain, and she made really good tips, and she was not exactly what anybody would call 'attractive.' And not just because she was greasy.

I'm not buyin' that humidity excuse. Throw down some sawdust, for cryin' out loud. Have you ever seen the clientele of Captain D's? They're a bunch of freakin' OLD PEOPLE, by cracky. Well, with the exception of me and my family. But the point is, you don't want a bunch of geezers going down on that hip-crackin' floor. That might be bad for business.

Next time it's humid, I guess I'll use the drive-thru.