Product Replacement

I have a bone to pick with some of my brand-name suppliers. I am a loyal customer. But now they have pissed me off. I'm mad as h*ll, and I'm thinking about not taking it any more.

TIDE:
How dare you change your packaging! For more years than I care to reveal, I have been a Tide detergent kind of gal. And my hillbilly mother before me was a Tide gal. ONE time, she switched brands because of a sale. All-Tempa-Cheer made my ankles break out in a rash from that demon detergent. We switched right back to Tide, the one what brung us to the wash. Now Tide has taken away the big plastic handle on that 72-load box. It used to go from one side to the other. You could swing it down to open the top and dip out detergent, then pull it back up to haul the box back to where you store it. No. Some genius who is no doubt a MAN who does not handle the laundry duties decided to skimp on plastic, and put a tiny handle ON TOP of the lid. Oh, this works just fine when Tide fishes in the customer. You can pick up the box and put it in your cart. But once you get it home and open the Tide, that little handle is as useless as Farmer H in a quantum physics symposium. DUH! If you pick up the handle, the freakin' lid opens, and you can't lift the box. Imagine somebody who has to go to a laundromat trying to carry a bag of clothes and this box of Tide. You can't use the handle. You have to carry it underneath, and balance it so it doesn't tip over and spill. Good job, nincompoops! You'd be better off putting a pour spout thingy on the side if you're going to use this teeny weeny handle.

Nestle Tollhouse Chocolate Chip Cookie Dough: RECALL!!!
I bought some of this cookie dough for my #1 son last weekend. I never buy it. My mom buys the Nestle Chocolate Chips to make her own cookies, and I usually buy fundraiser cookie dough. The #1 son loves to eat cookie dough. Sometimes he will bake the cookies, but mostly he eats the dough. This Nestle Tollhouse Chocolate Chip Cookie Dough comes in a bar or plank that is scored so you can break off little squares. No mess. The package is now half-eaten. During the week, I had two squares, and #1 had the rest. NOW I FIND OUT TODAY THAT THERE IS A FREAKIN' RECALL DUE TO POSSIBLE E. COLI CONTAMINATION. Way to go, Nestle. I have been poisoning my own son all week! This might explain the slight intestinal upset I had yesterday and the day before. E. coli indeed!

CHEERIOS:
You're a mean one, Mr. Cheerio. Pretending to be a cereal while advertising yourself as a medicine. That's what the FDA under our new president says about you. Don't you know that HE WON? That means you can't say you reduce cholesterol. You're a drug in cereal's clothing. Cease and desist, Cheerios. I just saw a commercial, not 15 minutes ago, that showed your shameless health-inducing claim on the front of your box. Now you're gonna get it. You'll get in trouble, and have to pay a class action suit, or change your packaging, and prices will go up, and then what am I gonna due about my famous Chex Mix? Because Save-A-Lot fake cheerios are not the same. Thanks so much. Now my principal and secretaries and superintendent will think I am irked at them if I don't freely give of my grain-y ambrosia, and in turn will begin the machinations of the great get rid of Mrs. Hillbilly Mom conspiracy in order to hire a cheaper teacher. And then I will have to pull my sons out of the only school they've ever known, or sell my Mansion and move into the district, or pay tuition for them, which will be hard, because--HELLO--I won't have a job anymore. Thanks. Thanks for ruining my life, Cheerios.