Inmate Letter, Page 2

In light of recent events, the following items are also being discontinued due to the closing of the Free Store:

f) adhesive strips-no Band-Aids, Curads, Scooby-Doo brand, or any other. Injured parties will just have to let their blood flow. No more free staunching.

g) doorstops-no propping...the doors will slam shut. In or out. It's a favor, really, to those who could not figure out how a doorstop operated. Any time a doorstop is broken in trying to make it work, signs point to removing all doorstops for inmate safety.

h) GermX-no more disinfecting. Germophobes will adapt or die. A booger will remain on the hand until the bell sounds, signaling a new activity.

i) baby wipes-no more soapy cloths with Aloe to clean and sanitize inmate living areas. The filth left behind by one inmate becomes the filth of the next inmate.

j) sentence information-no daily reports of how much time is left on an inmate's sentence. Family will have to look it up online and communicate such information to the inmate.


KARMA Law is now in effect.
Contraband will be confiscated. Consider the recent case of the inmate who, mere days earlier, asked one of the staff, "You don't actually think people tell you the truth, do you?" And the same day, also stated, "Everybody texts in the asylum." What a stroke of fate that the inmate's phone chirped loudly during work detail. Woe is the inmate who is now phoneless. Pity the fool who tried to argue that, "I wasn't doing anything with it. It just went off." Indeed. Staff might have believed such a tale, had not the inmate tipped that all inmates lie to the staff. And that all inmates text in the asylum. KARMA is such a b*tch.

Furniture will be affixed to the floor.
No inmate shall move any item of furniture. That includes sliding, lifting, scooting. Furniture will remain in the fixed maze position. The staff is aware that it impedes inmate movement. That is the reason it is arranged in such a pattern.

No one is wishing you luck in your new endeavor. In fact, staff is snidely watching and waiting for you to fall on your collective faces when your FREE support system is cut off.

There's more than one way to win a battle.