T-Hoe Pisses Me Off

I have tried to enjoy my new T-Hoe for the past six months. He's a sight to behold. But looks, in his case, are only steel deep. Sure, he's black and beautiful on the outside, with glowing fake wood trim and leather on the inside. That's the best thing about him. The longer I drive him, the more things about him displease me. So I have compiled a list, a list of things in order of his biggest shortcomings.

Things I Do Not Like About My 2008 Tahoe

1. There is a blind spot on the rear passenger side. I can't pull out onto the road or back out of a parking space without asking one of the kids if anything is coming. This is quiet a problem when I am driving alone. The mirrors show what is behind me, not what is coming down the highway, or off to the side. The view is blocked by the rear passenger seat and headrest, and the molding around that back side window.

2. The rear bumper sticks out a good 12 inches from the back of the car. When I try to put something in, or even worse, take something out of the back, I have to lean on that bumper, which is dirty and muddy and gets my clothes dirty and muddy. It's a lot of wasted space that should have been CAR.

3. Along with complaint #2, the back isn't big enough for my shopping. With the third seat folded up, there is more room, but it doesn't really help, because you can't reach anything that far back because of the bumper.

4. The tracks that the third seat slides on are in the way of putting cargo in the back. Any box you want to slide in, even cases of soda, will snag up on those tracks, which are raised above the surface.

5. The controls are in awkward places. The heater and defroster and radio knob are down too low. You have to take your eyes off the road to see them. This is a real problem with the defroster. The 4WD thingy is kind of hidden off to the left side of the steering wheel, partially behind the steering wheel. You have to lean over to look at it. It is a dial that you turn, instead of a toggle switch kind of thingy. There are no stops, so you have to be looking at it to see what gear you are putting it in, like A4WD or 4Hi or 4Lo.

6. The sun visors are tokens only. They are OH SO SHORT that they do nothing for sun coming in the side window. The one in my old Suburban had a big extender thingy, and the one in my Yukon at least had a little plastic bar extender thingy.

7. The front dash is kind of convexly slanted down to the seat. You can place nothing on there that won't slide off in seconds. There is no lip to catch even an envelop that you might lay there.

8. The dadgummed thing won't even let you coast. It automatically slows you down, even without the brakes.

9. The symbols for the seat heater and the mirror folder-inner and the mirror-adjuster and the door locks are a bit confusing.

10. The big honkin' console between the two front seats is too honkin' big. It opens front to back, so you have to lift the lid all the way open instead of just reaching in from the driver's side.

11. Half of the cup-holder area in front of the big honkin' console is taken up by a slot that is described as a 'sunglasses holder'. It is a slot with a lid of fake wood that closes, but if you touch it, it pops open. Which means that every time you pick up your purse that you might have put there, because the big honkin' console is too honkin' big and high and far back, that little lid opens, and you have to close it before you can set anything there again.

12. The back seat windows only go halfway down, due to the shape of the door over the wheel.


I want to trade him. There. I've said it. I want to take my T-Hoe back, like that redheaded kid in Problem Child. You know, the one who kept being returned to the doorstep of the orphanage in his baby basket, until he hardly fit and was all arms and legs hanging out each end? Like that. But I fear that with the financing, we will not get a good deal on a trade right now. But it's in the back of my mind. As HH says, a payment is a payment.

I'm checking out some Yukons and Suburbans and dealer incentives.