UFO, You Say?

What's up with all this UFO propaganda? Last night, Larry King had a whole show about a UFO sighting in Stephenville, Texas. I'm just not buyin' it. CNN is airing the show again Sunday night, at 8:00 central time.

Larry's people seemed believable, but I'll be darned if I can imagine a giant freaking airship that fills the whole sky and makes no noise and takes off at a 45-degree angle in the blink of an eye and travels 1900 miles per hour. No. Just no. And here's the freaky thing about Larry's show...these people were from Texas, and said that the UFO was headed in the direction of Georgie Bush's ranch. No. Just no. Georgie is a lot of things, but an alien is not at the top of my list. And I don't think he's such a prime specimen that aliens would want to study him. I don't exactly consider him to be the leader of the Earth. On the contrary, if UFOs are military secrets, then perhaps the pilot wanted to do a fly-over of the Crawford ranch, just to show off for his Commander in Chief.

This one eye-witness on Larry's show said he was hunting in his woods, and got tangled up in some briars. When he got loose and looked up, there was this giant gray thingy that covered the whole sky. Then it took off. If he would have blinked, he would have missed it. I don't know how they found out, because I switched channels for a while, but apparently some high-ranking military people interviewed him and told him to keep quiet about it. He demanded that they stop flying over his airspace, and a general or some high-ranker told him, "No, it's MY air space." Since they never stopped flying over in their helicopters, the guy decided to talk.

Larry also had some radar experts with a chart showing sightings. The FAA said there were no planes in the area in question during that time. Opposers said that of course there were many aircraft in flight, and that's what people saw. The radar experts declared that there couldn't be that many aircraft flying without beacons. I kind of lost interest here. But the date was January 8. They never said where Georgie Bush was on that night, but the local reporter said she did not think he was at the ranch.

This led me on a wild internet UFO chase, and I found a site that proclaimed that not only were the Apollo Moon Landings NOT FAKE, but that the astronauts were threatened by aliens who live on the dark side of the moon, and that's why we have never been back. Of course, it didn't explain why we went back all those times (allegedly), because I believe the first moon walkers were the ones who had the alien space ship watching them from a ridge, and NASA edited it out, and that Neil Armstrong was afraid for his life when he first stepped out onto the moon. Oh, and the aliens have a mining operation going on the dark side of the moon, and use that area as a base for Earth exploration missions. Also, right after 9/11, Bush and Cheney were taken to the dark side of the moon to be safe, and that's why nobody knew exactly where they were.

Then there was some show like MonsterQuest that said there are flying humaniod UFOs who attack people and try to kill them in some Spanish-speaking country. I didn't follow it too closely, because the 'footage' of these flying people looked like parachutists, or people with jet-packs. I found this about as believable as those stories of 'flying rods', which are just big ol' bugs caught flitting by the camera.

I am not a UFO believer. But I sure am glad that Al Gore invented the internet.

Random Thought Friday

This is easier than being coherent. Perhaps I shall rename my blog 'Random Thought Mansion'. Perhaps not.

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In honor of My Little Pony, I would like to start a new charitable program along the lines of Locks of Love. I shall call it 'Fingernails of Pain'. Young boys can donate their extra-long woman fingernails to my charity, and they will be made into fake nails for vain women. The fingernails, not the young boys, because I'm pretty sure there are laws against that here in the United States, even if it IS for a good cause.

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I hurt my belbow today. That's an elbow, for you people who don't have kids. Somewhere between parking in the garage and sitting down at my computer, I contracted shooting-pain-belbowitis. It really hurts when I do this: pick up a beverage with my right hand and lift it to my mouth. I know the antidote: "Don't DO that!" It's a good thing that I normally pick up my beverages with my left hand. I'm thinking that I hurt it by carrying in five Devil's Playground bags and my purse all on that arm. That stupid checker/bagger Devil's handmaiden is to blame. A worse job of bagging I have never seen. Her method was to put at least one tall thing and one small thing in each bag. Oh, and ALL the canned goods went in the same bag, along with a box of Honey Nut Cheerios. Then we had the half-gallon of milk with his partner, a quart of Promise. I usually buy It's Almost Butter, or whatever the name of the Save-A-Lot whipped margarine is. But my mom took us to Pasta House for lunch the other day, and The Pony ran out of butter and used Promise, and has been begging for it ever since. Another floppy bag housed a loaf of French bread and a pack of hot dog buns. People! Bags like this will not stand up. They will not even hold their contents in the back of the LSUV. I would like to cut off that checker/bagger's...oops! That was my inner Jesse Jackson trying to get out. What I meant to say was that I would smack that Devil's handmaiden, except that my belbow hurts too bad. That's what happens when The Devil hires somebody under 80. I get check-out rage.

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Is Bear Grylls on tonight? Will he take off all his clothes to swim under the ice? Will he whip it out to pee...(1) on a T-shirt to wrap around his head and stay cool? (2) so he will have some nice fresh pee to drink so he won't dehydrate? (3) in his canteen so he can put it next to his skin and stay warm at night in case he doesn't have a fresh steaming carcass to crawl into?

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My #1 son spent the day at church reorganizing the electronic stuff. His crew did not get finished, and they have to work again next Tuesday. While he was gone, I had to do his chores. One of them is dumping the water sucked out of the Mansion by our new dehumidifier. I heard its little warning beeper go off. That sucker must hold two gallons. I called The Pony to come open the workshop door and the outside basement door so I could dump it. Hoisting it up to armpit height onto a concrete restraining wall thingy to dump it was probably not a good idea. That's word on the street from Hillbilly Mom's Right Belbow.

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I ran a stop sign and a yellow traffic light today. Not braggin', just sayin'...

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Why can't that freak Tom on Kathy Griffin's show be from somewhere besides Missouri? Not that I don't like her newest assistant/tour manager dude. But I really did not need for the world to find out that our Missouri boy likes to pull out his eyelashes because the 'pop' is so satisfying. Oh, he doesn't pull out the bottom lashes. That would be just weird, according to Tom. He looks like a crazed meth addict. As opposed to an upstanding pillar of the community meth addict.

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Random Thought Thursday 7-10-08

It's a numbers game.

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How many people pissed off Hillbilly Mom on her way to town today, ruining her quest for a new miles-per-gallon record? 9

2 drivers stopped for oncoming traffic to turn left on an uphill incline
3 semi truck drivers at stoplights on residential roads
1 mini-van driver brake-brake-braking to go 30 in a 45 mph zone
1 telephone repairman in a man-lift blocking a whole lane on a blind hill
1 semi truck driver ignoring the center turn lane, making a left turn from the right lane
1 Casey's General Store clerk who could not announce into the speaker that the pump was not working, requiring HM to put the nozzle back in the thingy after nary a drop o' gas, and climb into her LSUV and drive away, hoping the police would not be chasing her as a drive-off gas thief

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How many weeks will Hillbilly Mom's mail be held at the post office due to bridge construction? 4 to 6

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How many county highway department workers does it take to screw in a light bulb? 6

1 to drive the trackhoe
1 to sit on the little dozer in the creek and watch the trackhoe
1 to sit on the big dozer in the road and watch the trackhoe
1 to park the flat-bed-semi-that-hauls-the-light bulbs in the middle of the road
2 to whisper and laugh at the boy on the 4-wheeler trying to get the mail from the mailbox behind the trackhoe

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How many ingredients are in Mrs. Hillbilly Mom's Cleaning-Out-The-Pantry Chili? 12

Hamburger-three pounds
Chili seasoning-one packet
Diced tomatoes with garlic and basil-one can
Chili hot beans-one can
Baked beans-two cans
Black-eyed peas-one can
Worcestershire sauce-three shakes
Steak sauce-two glugs
BBQ sauce-one pour
Garlic salt-three shakes
Black pepper-three shakes
Ketchup-three squirts, because there was no tomato sauce

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How many days until the premiere of Big Brother 10? 3

Friday
Saturday
Sunday-7:00 p.m. on CBS

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How many ideas are percolating for politically-themed posts on Hillbilly Mom's non-political blog? 4

Counterpoint #4 in the continuing saga of Hillbilly Mom vs Stewed Hamm
Random Thoughts-The Sexist Egotistical Lying Hypocritical Bigot Edition
What Bill and Hill Whisper Under the Covers
The Messiah vs The Anti-Christ

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Bad Boys! Bad Boys! Who Ya Gonna Call?

HH is a drama magnet.

Yesterday, he rode the Old People's Gambling Bus with me. I gave him gambling money. Wouldn't you know, HH won a total of TWO DOLLARS. Plus he kept the playing-with money I gave him. Which is the amount I lost. It's the most I've ever lost in one trip. Go figure. No good deed goes unpunished. But that is not the drama.

HH saw the little old lady who sat in front of him on the bus being 'talked to' by some men in suits. They took her away, along with a bunch of free money coupons that come in the mail. I, myself, had three of them yesterday, for a grand total of $45 free money. I don't know what this little old lady had, but HH said it was "a lot". He said they came to her machine, talked to her a minute, then escorted her away. It was a couple of Harrah's reps, and several suited men. I'm dying to know what happened, but HH refused to ask her on the bus.

THEN, after HH ran an errand upon our return, he called to tell me of his newest excellent adventure. He was stopped at the light in front of the hospital, and saw a truck approaching behind him, with the driver swinging his arm at the passenger. HH looked at the light, and when he looked in the mirror again, the driver and passenger were both gone. They were out in the ditch, slugging it out, along with a passenger from the bed of the truck. The light changed, and HH pulled away. The two beaters threw the beatee into the road, then jumped back in the truck and took off. HH called 911 and gave their license number and a description of the incident. How he could read a license plate backwards in a mirror, I'll never know.

Here is HH's account: "I said I was in front of the hospital, because I don't know the name of the road. The dispatcher told me. I was going really slow, about 30 (duh, that's the speed limit there), so they couldn't get away, and that truck passed me at the cemetery. I followed them, just to make sure they didn't get away. There happened to be three city police cars at the light in town, and they U-turned and caught the guys and had them standing against the truck. I wasn't going to ignore it. That guy was all bloody, and they threw him in the middle of the road! That's dangerous! Our local state representative might drive by and run over him!"

OK, Mabel will know what I'm talkin' about. The rep allegedly ran over a drunk walking on that section of road on New Year's Eve, and left the scene of the accident, and then lied and said his wife was driving, and that she just saw a person lying by the road who looked like he'd been beaten up, but no BAC test was given, and they couldn't explain how the mirror on their LSUV had been torn off, etc. He hasn't gone to trial yet. So he could conceivably drive by and run over another guy. Allegedly. Good to know that HH had the beatee's well-being on his mind. He didn't stop to help, mind you. But he did turn around and drive back that way after seeing the bad guys apprehended, and saw a state trooper assisting the beatee. I think it was quite considerate of the beaters to beat the beatee right in front of a hospital. I also think HH watches entirely too many episodes of COPS in a given week.

At least nobody threatened to shoot HH this time.

What's Eating Hillbilly Mom

Did you miss me yesterday? I don't mean to put you on the spot. I will just assume that you did. I have to be careful when I assume. You know what that makes out of you and me. That said...

I like grapes.

Really. I'm not trying to be one of those mysterious emails that contain nonsensical minutia. My favorite one of those is: The dentist saved her a seat.

But really, I like grapes. Save-A-Lot had a giant zip-lock bag of them for $1. Only ONE DOLLAR! I got two bags of green grapes, and one bag of red grapes. That's three bags of grapes for less than a gallon of gas! Don't think Mrs. Hillbilly Mom is a grape glutton. Laws, NO! I'm practicing reverse psychology. M-O-O-N. That spells, HH and the boys will eat the grapes if I pretend that I want them all for myself. It's working. A whole bag of green grapes disappeared in two days. I say a whole bag. But actually, about a fourth of the grapes were still in one bag, but half of them were gone out of the other bag. Yeah. Because they don't want anyone to ask, "Who ate this whole bag of grapes?" That's why they leave one Pringle in the Pringles can, and a half-inch of water in the water pitcher, and three green beans in the bottom of the pan, and, well, you get the point.

I don't like grape flavoring. Go figure. It tastes too chemical-y. I don't like grape-flavored soda, or Life Savers, or suckers, or gum, or jelly beans, or Jolly Ranchers, or Skittles, or gumdrops, or taffy, or Jello, or popsicles, or Kool-Aid, or pixie stix, or sherbet, or punch, or cough drops, or cough medicine. Have I made myself clear?

The #1 son is the same way with orange flavoring.

Random Thought Thursday 7-03-08

Here we are again, Thursday. Just you and me, chatting about my random thoughts. You keep me sane, Thursday. I know I can count on you not to ridicule my obsessive peccadilloes. Yeah. I spelled that right after only two tries. I'm a freakin' genius!

I am counting my blessings that HH and the #1 son escaped the killing spree of that wacko Sheley guy who allegedly murdered 8 people in Missouri and Illinois. The last sighting, before he was caught the next day in a bar parking lot in Granite City, Illinois, was outside the stadium the night my boys went to see the Cardinals play. That was kind of a close call. I'm glad that HH did not walk back to the car to pour out his illegal canned soda into bottles that night. He might have been a victim of the serial killer. They found two victims, you know, in Festus. That ain't far from here, by cracky!

There are three road construction projects that are cramping my style. One is the new bowling alley complex, where Rudy Giuliani, the giant inflatable rat, presides over the work. Another is a highway interchange about a quarter mile from the future bowling alley, but involving another road. The most annoying project is the new bridge on our county road, next to where our gravel road enters the county blacktop road. The workers are the source of my angst. They have taken an area of our gravel road, wide enough for three cars to pass, and narrowed it to one car, if you are lucky. First, they dredged a bunch of big rocks out of the creek that were home sweet home to some water snakes, and dumped them on the parking area on one side of our road. Good thing people aren't waiting for the school bus there right now. Then they parked their heavy equipment on the other side. Today, a passenger truck was parked right in the middle, with the passenger door open. Another passenger truck was coming the other way, and wanted to stop right next to it. I think they were having lunch sitting in their trucks, and wanted to chat. Gosh darn county workers! They took a two-hour lunch, too, because they were loitering around our road when we came back from town. They wouldn't even move out of the way. It's a good thing they wear steel-toed shoes. They have destroyed our private road that WE pay for, and a big ol' drainage pipe under it that their heavy equipment smashed by driving over it. I can't wait to see what monstrosity they design for us to get out after the new bridge is built.

Did you know that if you have a lefty in the house, your twist-tie thingies on packages will be twisted the wrong way?

Some woman guest commentator on CNN this morning gave out unemployment information willy-nilly. She mis-spoke. She said that you can't get unemployment if you've been fired. That ain't necessarily so. It depends on the very last incident for which you were fired. Say, for example, that you're a slacker. You've been late to work twice a week for a month. The boss tells you that the next time you're late, you'll be fired. On the way to work, your car hits a pothole and you get a flat tire. You have to call a tow truck, but first you call work before the time you have to be there, and report that you have a flat tire and you're going to be late. When you arrive, the boss fires you. But you can still get unemployment! At least in Missouri, you can. Without even a penalty. Because the last incident that caused your termination was not your fault. You called to report your lateness per company policy. Everything that happened before does not matter, because they didn't fire you for it before. Last incident, people. That's what we go on. And just because you quit does not absolutely mean you can't get unemployment. I had a guy who quit a supermarket because the boss made him soak expired chicken in bleach water and repackage it with a new date on it. The during the investigation, the boss admitted that was his policy. BOOYAH! Unemployment for the quitter. It's all relative.

Another misconception this 'expert' spread nationwide this morning was, and I quote her, "Don't be ashamed to file for unemployment. It's money you have paid into the system." Wrongo, so-called expert! The individual does NOT pay unemployment insurance. That is paid by the employer. You don't see any deductions on your check for 'unemployment insurance', now do you? Nope. There's social security, and medicare, and taxes out the ying-yang, but not unemployment. I should know. I worked for the Missouri Division of Employment Security for five years. I'm an insider. I've been burned by the fire. And I've had to live with some hard promises. I've crawled through the briars.

OOPS! That's a Tom Petty song. Insider. A song he was going to give to Stevie Nicks, but took it back, making him a Native American-giver. There goes my Nobel Prize for Political Correctness. Seinfeld learned that--you can't call someone a person-who-lived-here-in-North-America-first--giver. You have to say they are a 'person who gives something and takes it back'. He learned that when he wanted to date Elaine's friend Winona, and bought her a cigar-store Indian, which was a bit of a faux pas, considering Winona's ethnicity. You would know this if you didn't have a life, and had seen every episode of Seinfeld, and had watched the four-hour Tom Petty documentary called Runnin' Down a Dream.

Prepare The Handbaskets

Is the world about to end, and nobody told me? I don't mean like in-the-year-2012 end. I mean like, tomorrow, end. Actually, I just mean the U.S. I don't know that the rest of the world has been showing its a$$ as much as we have. I haven't noticed animals milling about willy-nilly like they do just before an earthquake. But people have become increasingly stupid lately.

A boy swims with alligators, loses his arm, and blames the animal rights activists.

A different boy ignores two signs marking an off-limits area, climbs two fences, and loses his head to a roller-coaster. His parents are planning to sue the amusement park. I can't figure out why they need an autopsy.

A model jumps from the 9th floor and loses her life. Guess she won't be blaming anybody. Her parents might not even sue the manufacturers of her antidepressants. She was Russian, after all. Perhaps they are not so litigious as our society. To further complicate matters, it seems that the reporter found it necessary to mention that she was wearing jeans and a tank top, but no shoes. Umm...does that mean something? Should she have paid more heed to her suicide ensemble since she was a model? I don't see anybody talking about the clothes of that alligator swimmer or roller coaster un-artful dodger.

A man shoots two burglars in the back, killing them. The jury acquits him. Doesn't matter that they robbed his neighbor's house, not his. Doesn't matter that he was watching them from inside his own home, then went and got his gun and went outside. He says they were in his yard and he was afraid. I don't know about you, but I don't go outside toward the thing I am afraid of. Do you think it mattered to the jury that they were illegal aliens? Guess who's not getting a civil lawsuit.

A 15-year-old girl competes in a 24-hour bicycle race in Far North Bicentennial Park in Anchorage, Alaska, and is mauled by a bear. She didn't even lose a limb or her life, by cracky! But you can bet I would never let my child go enter that bike race, especially after a grizzly had tried to attack a hiker in that park two weeks earlier. I've been to Alaska, people. And near Juneau, which is even farther south than Anchorage, I saw a bear. It was a cub, and it was across a rapidly-running creek, and I was grateful. I wondered why my uncle, who lived there, had let us go walking through those woods, even after we saw a big ol' bear footprint. Maybe those people do it all the time.

Just like the kid who swam with alligators.