The Present Tally

Another Christmas has come and gone at the Mansion. This was the year of No Big Presents. Neither child asked for anything big. So Santa, in his infinite wisdom, did not bring them anything big. Which is not to say their plethora of smaller gifts was inexpensive. Have you seen the price of those Wii games?

The Pony got some 2000-year-old Roman coins, with a certificate of authenticity, and a kit for cleaning them up, which includes a DVD to see which type of coins he discovers under the dirt. As The Pony refers to them..."My old dirty Roman coins." In keeping with that theme, he got a treasure chest of old American coins, and a set of foreign coins. He has also decided that he wants to learn a foreign language. No common, everyday French or Spanish for The Pony. He wants to learn Arabic. Go figure. He pronounces it a-RAY-bic. I am sure we are going to end up on the Terrorist Watch List. The Pony specifically requested Rosetta Stone. Have you seen the price of Rosetta Stone? Let it suffice to say that there are more economic alternatives. He also got what looks like a giant emerald crystal. It's about the size of a tall peanut can. The thing is actually a ship's deck prism. Did you know such a thing existed? I didn't. Apparently, the flat part of the prism was embedded flush with the ship's deck. The pointy part stuck below deck, where it gave off enough light that the sailors could play cards or do everyday tasks without setting the ship on fire with an errant candle flame or lantern. Plus, The Pony got some DVDs on ancient civilizations, and the Narnia movies, and some computer games, and a set of five pewter knights. He likes the one with the halberd best.

#1 was all about the Wii games. He also got a power dock for his iPhone, two iPhone stretchy case thingies, a little bitty round speaker that gives off a BIG sound, a set of the first six Tom Clancy 'Jack Ryan' hardcover books (which, thanks to a sweet deal on eBay, cost less than $6, though the shipping was a bit more), three seasons of The Simpsons DVDs, a Ford Mustang throw blanket and calendar, a shaver for his new chin whiskers, and several T-shirts (my favorite of which is: Silence is golden. Duct tape is silver. It has a smiley face with a strip of duct tape over his mouth).

HH got a Garmin. I know he's going to kill himself with it. He can't even keep his attention on the road without dashboard controls. You see, his last automotive purchase of the $1000 Caravan is what he drives to work. It has no speedometer or any other controls. Oh, they are there. They just don't work. For example, the needle of his speedometer is lying at the bottom of the little speedometer dial thingy. So he wanted a Garmin because it tells the speed. He also likes to have it tell him where to go, when I am willing to provide that service for free! In addition, HH raked in a John Deere clock that emits engine sounds of different models, depending on the hour. Like a normal person could tell the difference. He also got a stand-up light thingy from Black & Decker, and a tool caddy thingy, and some camouflage pants and shirts, and some outhouse salt & pepper shakers, and a set of retro Budweiser and Miller beer glasses, and a DVD and book about a man who built a cabin in the Alaskan wilderness. HH can take the book to his cabin to read about building a cabin. I figure it can be like Kramer's coffee table book about coffee tables.

Which brings us to my sad tale. I asked for ONE gift. I started asking for it around Thanksgiving. I mentioned it several times a week. I told HH and #1 and The Pony. I just knew I was getting it. I had done everything but tattoo it on my forehead. Christmas morning, I ripped into the wrapping paper, sure I would be drawing out my Seinfeld Scene-It game. But no. It was Apples to Apples. I was sure there was some mistake. All the gifts had been opened. Had HH forgotten to wrap one? Was it stashed away to surprise me? NO! I did not get my freakin' Scene-It!!!

More on my bad attitude tomorrow.